#I'm having a childcare moment don't mind me

[songmingisthighs]

Pitiful, You're Pitiful

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ch. iv

group : ateez

pairing : aged up!wooyoung × aged up!reader

genre : angst, mature

word count : 3.9k

warning : adultery, cheating, medical condition (?), negative depiction of wooyoung

a/n : sorry it took a while but life is shit and I've been doing nothing but STRUGGLING. head so overly packed and yet thoughts were not thunken so i decide to finish this chapter. here's to torture ig. help a sister out, send tips so i can drown myself in bubble tea pls

buy me coffee ?

Never would you have expected to be in the exact same place in the exact same situation as before. Well, not the exact same per se, but you thought the same thing couldn't happen twice, you being called to the hospital that is. Apparently, your husband had another accident and since you were his dearest wife and emergency contact, the hospital called you up.

You were not spiteful nor bitter towards your husband, you never were until you found out that he was cheating on you. So the nagging thought in your head that convinced you that he was probably with his mistress when he got hurt again made you feel rather sick to your stomach. Perhaps you had been in some sort of denial while Wooyoung was recovering from his initial injury, thinking that maybe it was only a one-time thing or the cheating had stopped because you hadn't seen him doing anything shady or being secretive during his recovery. In all honesty, you begrudgingly and heartbrokenly expected him to cheat again because the access was just there even with the doubt.

The turmoil plus the morning sickness had taken a toll on you, not to mention the household chores and catering to the man who had broken your trust in him. It hadn't even occurred to you that you probably need to go see your OBGYN again to check up on the baby you had yet to mention to anyone. At this point, the question was whether you will or not. Considering the situation you were facing, the option of running away to Sweden to become a childcare professional seemed very enticing. You wouldn't have to worry about the money to take care of your child or their education, the government will provide and you can visit the original IKEA. But of course that was but a fantasy, you still have responsibilities and unlike some people, you stick to your words.

Arriving at the nurse's station in the emergency room, you huffed and took a moment to take a deep breath, suddenly feeling nauseated and lightheaded. Seeing this, one of the nurses walked around and went over to you, "Miss, are you okay? Do you need emergency care?" the care in her voice, be it due to nurse training or genuine worry made you crack a smile, "No, no, no, I'm- I'm here to see my husband, I got a call that," you cut yourself to swallow the bile that threatened to escape you, willing yourself to finish your sentence, "-That he was rushed here because he got hurt?" Although it was obvious that you were not there as a patient, the nurse shook her head and gently directed you towards the seats nearby, "You need to sit down first, miss," she stated but you shook your head, "No, no, please, I just need to see if he's okay and it's Mrs.," you clarified but did nothing to push back. She wouldn't listen and just sat you down and it was only then did you realized how the world had practically turned into a gyrosphere. "I will check on the name of your husband and I will bring you tea. You look very pale and I don't think we need both you and your husband sick today," she smiled but the words she let out only left a bitter taste in your tongue as the notion that you and Wooyoung were some type of team only made you more aware how much you were not. But you agreed and just smiled back at her, allowing her to return to the station to check on where Wooyoung was and to get you something.

Whilst waiting, you looked around as your mind wandered. For some reason your brain decided it would be a good idea to suddenly think of what's to come. Surely, Wooyoung realized that something had been going on with you which was the reason why he was suddenly being so attentive and tried to get you to speak to him which you had been so adamantly avoid. The thought of Wooyoung potentially badgering you even more because he'll be stuck in the house due to whatever condition he was in made you feel anxious. For the first time ever in your life, you realized that you both wanted your husband to be contained in your house so he would stop his affair but also resented the idea of being stuck there with him.

You stood up and started walked towards the exit, not knowing if you need a breather or to just leave the hospital and deal with Wooyoung later.

Your plan to leave the premises was halted when the curtain to one of the areas was pulled back and a very familiar face stepped out. The face you came to resent despite being fond of it in the first place, when you saw it around 3 years ago when she first came to the company.

For some reason, your legs seemed to freeze and your hands felt cold. At that moment, you truly wanted to leave, run past her and simply leave the premises and maybe just leave your husband because the conversation that happened in front of you was something you didn't want to handle.

Your eyes followed as Harin went over to the nurse's station, smiling to one of the other nurses who was sitting there. "Hi, can you please keep an eye in case the patient in bed number 4 woke up? I'm going to go get something for him to drink. Poor guy left home in a rush to meet me," she said sheepishly but there was a slight bragging undertone that made the nurse cooed slightly. "Don't you worry, Mrs Jung, I'll make sure your husband knows where you are," she smiled. Two times this had happened in the same hospital and it made you sick to your stomach when you saw her beam proudly and thank the nurse before sauntering off.

At that moment you felt numb. It wasn't like you didn't know there was an affair going on, you just never expected to have seen the relationship yourself. Have they talked about commitment? Was that why the little homewrecker thought she was or would be Wooyoung's wife? Was Wooyoung planning on leaving you all along? Had your children slipped Wooyoung's mind for some reason? If you were unsure before, the uncertainty left your body completely as you made up your mind that you had to protect your children and yourself. If Wooyoung was going to leave and start another family with some dumb 20-something with no redeeming value nor moral compass, then you're going to make sure he does it without affecting your children. As redundant as that sounded.

In a blink of an eye, you found yourself next to Wooyoung who was resting. You looked over his body and for once in your life, you suddenly didn't care that he was right there nor what his injuries might be. It didn't matter to you all of a sudden because looking at him only made you aware that he had allowed someone to touch him the way he had once promised only you would be able to. The last time he was hurt on her watch turned out was because of his bad back and with the power of cynical assumption and logical thinking, you imagine he was in some sort of sexual activity with her and this time was no better.

You were so deep in your thoughts that you didn't even realize that Wooyoung had opened his eyes and was staring at you from his position on the bed.

"(y/n)?" he called you, eyes soft as he gazed at the worried look on your face, mistaking it as worry over him, "When did you get here?" he asked, the tone didn't indicate any panic which could be assumed as him not wanting you to see his mistress. Perhaps he was unaware of the particular situation.

The turmoil in your head hadn't died down, it only amplified when Wooyoung talked. Your heart ached to see him looking at you so softly as he had been nothing short of detached from you for a long while. It had to go to this point for him to show you any semblance of closeness or even just a tiny showcase of care. The Wooyoung you were seeing was the Wooyoung you fell in love with, even if it's just a glimpse. The acknowledgement hurt, it hurt you so much and it hurt you deeply.

How surprised you were when your body moved to sit next to him on the bed, quietly taking in his attention on you. "I... I got a call from the hospital saying you got hurt again. Are you okay?" You could see Wooyoung trying to sit up but you held him back, shaking your head because in this position, you felt like you had the upper hand. In this situation, you felt like you could see how small he was. On the other hand, Wooyoung took this as you not wanting him to get hurt again so he laid back down and sighed, "I'm okay I guess," he shrugged. "What happened?" you couldn't help but ask, though you weren't entirely sure if you wanted to know because what if he told you that he was in the middle of doing the nasty with his side bitch and he broke his... equipment or something? "Not sure," he exhaled sharply, "I was talking one moment and when I turned around to leave, I hit my back and I just... Fell."

Lies.

Well, it was the truth from Wooyoung's side at least.

Sure, he completely skipped over the fact that he was in the middle of telling Harin that they should not meet each other for a while and it was because of her trying to stop him that he hurt his back yet again. The moment he fell down was the moment he realized he should've said that he was taking a break from her indefinitely, possibly breaking up with her completely. As if that would make things any better.

"You just... Fell?" you repeated, not sure if you were just echoing, or trying to test him and see if he told you what you thought was the truth, or if you were trying to convince yourself. But Wooyoung nodded, looking sure of his answer too. "Yeah and it hurt so much I think I passed out in the ambulance like a wimp," he chuckled to himself, not knowing that you completely agreed that he was being a wimp but for a whole other reason.

"But you know what," all of a sudden, Wooyoung slinked his hand to hold yours and your body immediately froze be it due to the heavy unsurety or shock, you weren't sure. But you were pretty sure his touch no longer had the effect it once had on you because though this felt like your old Wooyoung genuinely coming back, all you wanted to do was to push him away.

"Though I was scared, though I was in pain, all I could think about was you. I was thinking about how if I was injured again, I would burden you even more, how it would affect you and your daily function," he said, choking up slightly. You have known him long enough to know that the emotion he was showing was genuine. But all it did was piss you off.

"I'm sorry I have been such a burden to you, I've been a tool what with my work and not helping you around. These past three weeks had taught me that you have been holding us together better than I did, better than I ever did actually. And for that, I love you. I love you so much and once this is all over, I want us to return to what we were before or however way you want because you deserve it."

That was a slap to your face.

You deserve it.

It was as if he was saying that you deserved to be cheated by him.

You hadn't realized that you had shed a tear until Wooyoung tried to sit up again but he failed because his back had prevented him. So he gripped the hand in his tighter and reached a hand up to cup your face, wanting to wipe the tear away. But this time, you were the one who took his hand in yours, delightfully surprising him because he thought that you were reciprocating him.

"I..." you took a moment to clear your throat and calm yourself down, not wanting your words to fail you, "I'm so glad to hear that, Wooyoung." A huge smile broke on Wooyoung's face hearing your response to his confession. You too, had a smile on your face, but it was one of sadness, it was one of pain which Wooyoung would have noticed had it not been because he was too involved with his own feelings. "I'm so glad to know that you still cared a lot about me," you sighed.

You knew the words that were at the tip of your tongue would change everything so for the sake of the decades you spent with the man before you, you allowed yourself one final moment to take it all in again. Enjoying the reappearance of your old lover before you go back to reality, the reality he had put you in.

"I know you've been cheating on me."

In an instant, Wooyoung froze.

His smile, present, projected his internal shock and confusion.

"What?" he asked, unsure if he had heard you clearly.

The hand that held his moved to push his bangs aside, allowing him to see how eerily calm you were.

"I... I know you've been cheating on me with someone and that person is here with you. Though I'm not completely sure, I feel like you were with her when you got hurt this time and the last and she had made it a point to tell the nurses that she was your spouse," you chuckled darkly and the sound was so unfamiliar and cold that it struck fear in Wooyoung's heart. "(y/n), I-" "And, you know how she got kicked out not long after? During your first hospitalization? It was because I accidentally told the nurses that I was your wife." The more you talked, the bitter the reality became for you and yet, you can't find it in yourself to stop laughing. "I- I actually thought that you would at least have the decency to stop seeing her when you were resting these past weeks but apparently I was wrong. Just like how I was wrong about having a husband who honours our vows, right? So I'm glad that you told me that you still loved me Wooyoung, no matter how much of a bullshit it was, I'm glad you have just now realized how much I've done for you, for our children, for our family."

The mention of his kids made Wooyoung's eyes widened, thinking that maybe they knew too be it from you telling him or them seeing him with Harin themselves. To make the situation even more nerve-wracking for him, the monitor picked up on his rising heartbeat, allowing you to know just how afraid he was.

"Because as of right now, I am done. I am done being your doormat," you leaned close to him and in a flash, your eyes turned from pain to pure anger, the eyes that used to look at him with love and hope were looking at him in disgust, "As of right now, I am done being your wife," you finally spat before pushing yourself completely off him and the bed, standing up to fix your clothes, "You can go ahead and play house with that homewrecker or whichever whore you want but one thing you won't get is my children and my compassion." Instinctively, your hand fell to your stomach where your newest addition was residing as if promising it that you both would be okay despite everything. "So you take good care of yourself, Wooyoung, or you make sure whoever you choose to be with you next could take care of you, you hear me? Because hell would freeze over before I let myself serve you again."

When you turned around to leave, Wooyoung felt like his world was shaking like a massive earthquake.

"No- wait-" he tried calling for you, he tried getting up again only to wince and fail. All hopes he had that you would still come back to him was crushed when you didn't even look back at his pained cry.

His world came crumbling down when he saw you opening and closing his curtain, leaving him alone in that bed with your words weighing on him like a hundred tons of bricks. Just as he had seen the wrong he did, just as he had decided to come back, karma slapped him so hard, he was sure he wouldn't recover. So he lay there, he laid on his bed with his eyes on the ceiling and he cried silently. The tears stung his eyes but he couldn't bear to wipe them away himself, he couldn't bear to move, not when he realized how fucked he was. How stuck he was.

In a way, you were lucky to be able to leave the premises and possibly choose to just never see Wooyoung again.

Oddly, you hadn't shed a tear despite the fear, pain, sorrow, disgust, confusion, and uncertainty mixing together and creating a tornado of negativity in your head. You thought that you had to keep it all in until you didn't have to attend to your responsibilities which were your children.

Glancing at the clock, you saw that you had a good 2 hours before you had to pick Woohyun up and take him to his after-school class while Dayoung would take the bus with her friends to hakwon. Realizing the vacancy you had, you thought that you could do some good with your time. You could maybe pack your things and your children's things up so when you pick them up, you can take them straight to your parents' house. Or, since you and your children took up the majority, you could pack Wooyoung's things up, drop them at the academy and leave them for the bitty homewrecker with the note 'Have fun with my leftover, whorish bitch'. It was only at that moment did you even think of her and how the affair came to be. You were a firm believer that some feelings are just uncontrollable but ultimately, someone's actions are absolutely controllable. And that bitch and Wooyoung decided to abandon control for whatever reason there is and now they forced your children to be in a broken family. You weren't against divorce, especially if infidelity was involved, you were just against your children having to go through unimaginable pain and having to navigate through life with all sorts of uncertainty.

It astounded you that even after dropping the hammer on your husband (or is it soon-to-be-ex-husband now?), all you could care about were your children and how to help them going forward.

You were so deep in thought that you didn't realize that you were already parked in front of your house for the past 15 minutes, just glaring at the car ahead as if that car was the one who had wronged your family.

A sudden knock from the window on your side caused you to jump in surprise and of course, the official ambassador of Wooyoung's hospitalization showed up.

"Hey, don't you need to get out?" Yunho asked, raising an eyebrow and offering a smile that would've made you chuckle on a normal day. But alas, you were not in the mood.

When you finally got out of the car, you tried your best to avoid being close to Yunho or even to just see Yunho. At that moment, the grass on your lawn seemed more interesting.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, voice void of any emotions. Yunho furrowed his eyebrows and ducked, trying to find your eyes but of course, you were evading it. "Aren't you gonna look at me?" he asked but you immediately shook your head and kept your mouth shut.

There was a long pause because Yunho wanted to hear you speak but you had adamantly stuck to your ground, not wanting to say anything for absolutely no reason at all. It kind of annoyed you how Yunho was there on your most vulnerable days what with being the first to know of your awareness of your husband's infidelity and now he was probably going to be yet another first in knowing that you had just informed your husband that you basically wanted to separate from him permanently. You didn't hate Yunho as a person despite everything, you just hated his timing.

Then he surprised you yet again when he reached forward and gently took ahold of your hand, effectively causing you to look up at him though initially in annoyance but you didn't take your hand from him.

Yunho's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, struggling to find the words to use on you. Should he tell you that he had heard what you told Wooyoung at the ER? Should he tell you that he was proud that you were doing something good for yourself? What could he even say to make things better? Your marriage had just ended, there is nothing that could make that fact better because it was a devastating thing for you and you were going to have to go through all sorts of hassle and pain alone while still supporting two children. Well, three, but thankfully that little nugget of information was one that he wasn't privy to.

So rather than trying to comfort you, Yunho just smiled and nodded.

It was the availability of Yunho that broke you. One, two tears dropped down your cheek before you felt the air sucked out of you and the horrifying realization of your action was finally dropped down on you.

"Oh God," you gasped, knees buckling when you started sobbing but Yunho's reflex immediately kicked in and he pulled you into his arms, supporting your weight as you received the immense weight of reality.

Yunho didn't dare say anything, he didn't even dare to comfort you because he knew he couldn't do anything. There was nothing for him to do but to allow you to have your moment and just be there to support you because God knows without him, you wouldn't have the support you need without having to hurt not only yourself all over again, but possibly hurt more people. So at that moment, though it pained him to see such a strong person break down like that, he let things go the way they should because as hard as he was trying to keep the thought down, he knew what he was doing was a good thing.

Unfortunately, the eyes that watched you and Yunho embracing each other so freely in public- in front of the house you shared with Wooyoung, didn't think the same way. The eyes that watched you had misunderstood, thinking that it was you who was unfaithful.

A picture worth a thousand words. And how glad Dayoung was for taking two.

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[luveline]

I love the KBD universe 🩵🩵. It’s so soft and comforting. Idk how you always write such gentle slice of life moments that stay soft even when there’s moments of conflict.

I was rereading the series, and in one scene Steve asks reader if they wanna make out, but Avery comes in before they can. Can I request a scene where they do get to make out (nothing super spicy) and spend that time with each other? I know it’s got to be difficult with four kids.

kisses before dinner —you and Steve languish in some rare alone time. mom!reader, 1k

"Hello," you whisper.

He looks up in surprise, eyebrows lifted. That surprise quickly melds to a soft-boned happiness as you sit in his lap —he's splayed sideways on the armchair, and you have to sit sort of sideways on him to meet his eyes. 

"Everybody's sleeping," you say, brushing a stray strand of hair from his eyes as the TV light paints him a blur of multicolour. "Even Wren." 

He looks up. "How'd you do that?" 

You told him to relax for a bit before bath time. He must've gotten distracted by the TV, which he doesn't often get to watch lately, and so you hadn't really minded. Full time childcare is exhausting. It comes to something when you're nearly happy to go to work, though coming home every night is still what you wait for, and it's thanks to him that you can drive home in excitement.  

"I'm multi-talented." You nestle your way under his chin, his arms curling around you as though they have a job to do. Firm. Immediate. "Wren went down like a miracle. I only had to rub her back." 

"Avery?" Steve asks. 

Avery's under the weather, so you let her skip bath time and tucked her in, sending her to sleep with little more than a forehead kiss. Beth was similarly eager for bed, knocking out after half of a story, her hand insistently in yours. Dove, in contrast, took three times as long to settle, but was convinced by the pad of your pinky finger as it traced up and down the bridge of her nose. 

"Tactile creatures, your girls," you murmur. 

"Where do they get it from?" he asks as he begins to stroke a quarter circle into your back. "Tokyo Olympics called again. Team USA needs you on their roster." 

He's declaring you impressive for such a feat as tonight's solo bed time. "The answer's still no. I don't think anyone wants to see me in a leotard." 

"I do," he says, kissing the top of your head. His lips soft, his voice the same, he hugs you closer still. "I so do. You look nice in everything." 

You could fall asleep like this, in his arms, his lap, your face drifting down his chest as you curl into his warmth. There's nowhere else you'd rather be (besides possibly bed, but even then you'd need it to be with him). "Thanks, Steve." 

"You're welcome." 

The room is quiet. The house stirs and rain lashes the darkened windows every now and then with the indecisive winds, whistling through tree branches far away. You shiver at the sound and Steve sets your goosebumps right with bigger strokes of his hand, a familiar up and down pressed into your back. Pressure to distract the senses. 

"Thanks for doing bed time." 

You wave it away. It's nice to be appreciated, but in the face of everything he does you don't want any thank yous tonight. "I just wanted to spend some time with you." 

"Yeah?" he asks, sinking lower into the armchair, the majority of your weight following down onto his abdomen rather than his legs. 

"I really…" missed isn't the right word. You missed him while you were at work, and time spent with him and the girls is just as worthy and sweet as time alone, but that doesn't mean you can't want both. "I've been thinking about you." 

Steve doesn't flinch at your odd wording, the opposite. He knuckles trail loosely to the small of your back, a smugness to the curve of his lips as he smiles, and says, "I've been thinking about you." 

Steve usually looks handsome. You've seen him bedraggled, dishevelled, and exhausted, of course, but he puts a majesty into nearly everything he does. He can take a plate down from one of the kitchen cabinets or hike one of your sweethearts onto his hip and you'll remark to yourself about how pretty he looks. This isn't taking into consideration how attractive you find his heart (that list is endless —compassion, dedication, loyalty, etc). The stuff you love about Steve goes on and on and on.

You curl a hand behind his head and card through his hair, not sure what to say. His eyes meet yours. "They don't have a word for how much I love you, H." 

His voice rasps with a low pleasure, "I could think of a bunch for you. Only if you want. I'm smart like that." 

Your lips twitch. "Please," you say, giving his scalp a playful scratch. 

"Endlessly," he begins. "Eternally. Overflowingly." He leans forward to touch your noses together. "Fuck," —he laughs as he searches for another— "started so strong. Uh… infinitely. A whole fucking lot?" 

"Loads." 

You both laugh, the heat of the others breath like a phantom of a kiss between you. 

"Loads," he agrees. "Wickedly." 

"Deviously?" 

"Ambitiously. A shit ton." 

You kiss him gingerly, not worried he won't kiss back but wanting to stay in this moment for as long as you can. "Love you loads," you say against his lips. 

With your eyes closed you can't see his expression, but you can guess at what he's doing. Steve likely has his brows sewn together, a grimace on his lips that might suggest the opposite of what he's feeling. 

He acts like kissing you is the only thing that he could ever need, that this intermission is painful but absolutely necessary. "I love you," he says. He whispers your name, raising his hand to cup your cheek. His marriage finger rubs a mindless little shape into the soft skin under your eye. "I love you." 

You wrap your arms around his neck and hook him closer, smiling into a second and much less ginger kiss. 

[bekaroth-reads]

Baldur's Gate 3 Characters x Reader/Tav with childcare habits

[ Not sure what to title this. I work with toddlers and very small children, and there are so many habits that leak over into other things I do. Thought that it would be funny if Tav had the same problem. Not necessarily romantic relationships, it can be platonic too. This is written gender neutral so it can be any reader or Tav.]

Gale- There was a general air of exhaustion that hung over the camp. But, on the bright side, at least Gale could rest easy in the knowledge that there was a very powerful, easy to consume artifact in his hands. While he usually liked to go through the whole song and dance of this unfortunate requirement by himself, he didn’t mind if you were there. You had both seen each other in stranger situations by this point. Add to this that you looked like you were about to fall asleep at any moment, there wasn’t much to be self conscious about.

Just as Gale put the artifact to his lips, you suddenly moved his hand away, giving it a few gentle taps.

“Ick, ick! Makes a Gale sick.” You mumbled, not conscious enough to be considered awake before you rolled over and fell asleep proper.

Gale gave a tickled chuckle that was slightly tinged with the bitterness of the truth in the situation.

“Oh, believe me. I know.” He patted your shoulder and got back to the deed at hand.

Halsin- Everyone else had retired to their tents except Halsin and yourself. The both of you had offered to clean up the mess from dinner. You had talked for awhile, but finally got around to actually cleaning. The pot that was used to cook dinner was left too close to the fire, so it was still too hot to touch with your bare hands. You had used a cloth to move it away, and were waiting for it to cool off when Halsin came over to pick it up.

Moving faster than your thoughts, you moved away his hand while instinctively saying.

“Hot, hot for Halsin!”

You were hoping that he somehow didn’t hear what you had said exactly. And, when all he responded was a polite, “Thank you for the warning,” you thought he might have not. However, Halsin was literally biting his tongue to try not to laugh.

A few days later, he teased you by taking a lit torch from you and gently scolding, “Hot, hot for Tav.”

Astarion- Things haven’t been great for him lately. And, by lately, he meant decades. However, he could wallow in self pity later. Right now he needed to feed, and animal blood wasn't cutting it. Lucky that you seemed to put your bed roll a bit farther from the fire than the others in the group.

He quietly sneaked his way over to you, and prepared to strike. However, when his fangs hit your neck, things took an unexpected turn.

"No bites! Not nice!" You scolded in your sleep as your hand moved to rest on his forehead and gently push him away.

You suddenly woke up. The two of you stared at each other, neither saying anything. After an agonizing awkward few minutes, he walked away.

The next morning he pulled you aside from the rest of the party and sternly whispered, "Look- you don't mention that I'm a vampire and I won't tell them about the baby-talk."

Shadowheart- She and Lae'zel had gotten into an argument. Nothing new for either of them. This one really got under Shadowheart's skin this time.

"Can't believe that slimly toad of a woman thought she could pull something like that..." She grumbled as she stomped past you.

"Hey, are you using your kind words?" You asked.

This stopped her in her tracks and she turned to look at you, her anger almost completely replaced by myrth. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?" She questioned, her voice sounding as devious as she felt.

"Are you speaking well about our teammates?" You rephrased.

Raphael- He had insisted that he recite a new poem that he was working on, even if he had to wake you up to do so. Despite trying to stay awake, you couldn't help but doze off on Haarlep's shoulder. They didn't mind as, though they weren't physically tired, they would also rather be anywhere else. The two of you both being Raphael's quite literal captive audience.

"Oh, no. That most certainly is NOT what you asked me." Shadowheart teased. She wouldn't let you live this down for a long time. She's never too hard on you though.

Once the cambion had finished, he looked at the both of you expecting praise for his prose; Haarlep elbowed you just in the nick of time so you could sit up before Raphael noticed.

"Well?" He goaded.

"Truly, you have outdone yourself." Haarlep gave a purposefully unconvincing cheer.

Raphael rolled his eyes before moving his attention to you. "And, you, Tav?"

Still not fully aware of how you sounded or anything in the actual contents of the poem, you said, "Oh, how pretty, Raphael!" like you would have to a child that just gave you a finger painting.

The next thing you knew, Haarlep was rushing down the hall, you slung over their shoulder, their wings hitting your head with every movement, as they were laughing so hard it almost turned into a coughing fit. The quick escape must have been from the vaguely Raphael shaped fire right behind you, snapping and flinging blazes your direction while cursing and yelling about you not knowing what true art is.

Haarlep- They had heard that you had taken a pretty nasty hit to the head. Still, they hadn't quite expected what they were greeted with when they went to take stock of your condition like they were asked to. (Nurse work wasn't usually in their duties, but Raphael couldn't be bothered to do this himself.)

They appeared in your room to see you sitting on your bed, staring at nothing.

"Knock, knock, little mortal." They announced their presence which tore your eyes away from the space you were looking at.

You looked at them for a moment before giving a exasperated sigh.

"Where are your clothes?" You asked.

They blink a few times, not knowing how else to respond. "I beg your pardon?" They eventually asked.

You walked over to your closet and started digging through it. Eventually you walked over with a completely mixed matched set of clothes. "You have to wear something. You can't just run around in your undies!" The last part was very exaggerated as you lightly pinched and wiggled their nose.

They immediately returned to Raphael with you in tow. "It's worse than we thought." Was all they said as they sat you down and walked away.

Gartash- To say that Enver Gortash's work and habits were messy would be an understatement. It was certainly no different tonight. He had gotten blood and viscera all over him. And, seeing as he loved to get a rise out of you, he chose not to wash it off before going to find you.

When he saw you reading, he took a moment to compose himself to seem as though nothing was amiss, and walked calmly up to you.

"Anything interesting in your books today?" He asked, barely holding his excitement to hear you yell at him.

You started to say something, but when you turned to look at him you took a cloth from your pocket. Reaching up, you rubbed the blood from his face; each pass of the cloth was acompanied with a sing-song, "Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe."

Gortash was baffled and indignant that he didn't get the reaction he wanted. He smacked your hand away and yelled, "What in the hells was that?!"

"Sorry," you offered sheepishly, "force of habit."

[shantechni]

I'm Glad Miri is Annoying

Minor spoilers for Spy x Family and Buddy Daddies I guess idk

I don't know if people legitimately forgot this or what, but Anya is not your average child. And believe it or not, the majority of children who classify as "your average child" have more flaws than simply getting a big head when things are going their way. They're stubborn to a fault at times, they tend to be selfish at the benefit of no one other than themselves, and you feel the frustration radiating off of whoever is their guardian.

I'm glad that Buddy Daddies pulls no punches when depicting how chaotic life becomes once a 4 year old girl with a clear lack of disciplinary figures or actual parents comes waltzing in like a hurricane. I also loved when Sweetness and Lightning didn't paint Tsumugi as a child that was any easier to care for after the death of her mom, and that Kouhei (her dad) genuinely struggled to handle her on his own.

Beyond that though, the biggest problem I see floating around is that people for some reason expect a story about childrearing to not actually be about childrearing?? And that's not me saying that's the case with everyone, but it certainly seems like a lot of people have solidified Spy x Family as a standard of the sorts in their mind when it comes to depictions of found family dynamics, childcare, and adoption. That would be fine if people kept in mind that not every standard set by Spy x Family is realistic, both in the plot of a different series and irl. And that's not entirely the fault of the readers/watchers, it simply became one of the recently most popular titles to explore those themes in a way that balances out with other aspects of the story.

But that's just it: Spy x Family is not solely about a man, woman, little girl, and dog slowly developing into a family. It's about their impact on a war torn world and them realizing that this fake family they put together for the sole purpose of continuing their roles in preventing another war is becoming real. This was a situation that everyone (aside from Bond) initially saw as a way of escaping unlikely situations or reaching their goals. The focal point of the story from day 1 has been about these oblivious adults coming to understand that they're already a family, even though they don't exactly see it as such yet.

Meanwhile, Buddy Daddies is not about any of that, they're in a modernized world that one could easily imagine existing right now. These two hitmen are not in an unfavorable situation, they did not swipe Miri off the streets for personal gain, and they weren't really ever denying how quickly they grew attached to her. Kazuki took Miri under his wing the moment they locked eyes and she started talking about cake and her "papa," the guy is literally enamoured by her just from that. And Rei constantly asked Kazuki in the beginning if he was sure about sending Miri back to her mom, because he may not know everything about his partner, but it's clear as day to him that he really doesn't want to let her go. And as I said earlier, it hardly takes any time for Miri to wrap Rei around her little fingers either. The anime is 4 episodes in and they easily settled into the idea of being a family, heck, she already has her own room.

This is getting long and I'm starting to lose my point here because I'm not in a good area to focus in right now, so I'll end with this: Do not go into Buddy Daddies expecting an idealized version of a fake family turned real, because that's not what PA Works is doing here at all.

[radishhqueen]

okay this actually kept occupying my thoughts @rbtlvr

16. Meeting past/future self | Put That Guy in a SituationTM Ask Game

"Promise you won't get mad," was the first thing that Michelangelo said when Casey answered the phone, which alone was enough to make her preemptively furious. Never mind the fact that it was currently 11pm on a Tuesday night and some people had to get up for work in six hours and had just managed to fall asleep. 

"No. Tell me what I'm mad about," she said firmly, sitting up in bed and resting her forehead on her knees as she waited for him to just spit it out already. Grandma CJ's had just closed the deal with the flour don of New York; it had been weeks of negotiations and dancing around thinly veiled threats. She was tired.

There were a few seconds of hemming and hawing, before Michelangelo squawked, and Donatello started speaking instead. Thank fuck, Donatello knew how to cut to the chase. "Mikey has mystically kidnapped a child—"

"On accident!" the turtle in question interjected indignantly.

"—and we need your childcare expertise," he finished, the exasperation clear in his voice. "We're working on getting her home, but mystics are unnecessarily nonsensical, so…it may take a few hours."

Casey sighed, rolling out of bed and looking down at her sweatpants and baggy t-shirt. Yeah, that was a fine enough outfit to be seen in, whatever. "Yeah, sure, I'll be there. Gimme a few minutes." She hung up the phone, tilting her head back and staring at the crack that ran through her bedroom ceiling. You save a guy from getting his soul eaten by a big knife demon that you helped summon one time, and all of a sudden his kids were calling you at all hours of the night and getting you tangled up in their schemes. Fucking hell. 

She inhaled, taking a moment to pull her composure back together, finding her center. She did not dislike the Hamatos, for all they annoyed her. Sometimes it was hard to remember that, but that wasn't unique. She'd always had more anger than she knew what to do with. For all the ways the Foot Clan had failed her, they'd at least taught her how to keep her anger and hate all in one neat little package, a finely honed spear rather than a grenade. Another breath and she tilted her chin back down, focusing on her hands in front of her as she formed the seals, tearing open a portal to the Hamato household.

There was less immediate chaos upon her arrival than she expected. She'd dropped herself off in the living room; it was the easiest target since she'd spent the most time there than anywhere else in the subway station. The lights were dimmed, and Cassandra very quickly put together that they were watching something on the projector, considering the way it was actively blinding her. 

"Case!" Raph cried, sounding relieved. She could only really see his silhouette against the couch, blinking rapidly as she maneuvered to stop being blinded by the projector. "Look, kiddo, I told you, this is one of our human friends! So you don't have to be scared of us." Ah, yeah, she could see how getting randomly teleported into an underground subway station full of mutants would be a bit alarming if you weren't already used to that sort of thing.

She cleared the projector light, blinking as her eyes readjusted to the darkness, focusing on the bundle of blankets sitting on the far end of the couch from Raph. "Hello," she said, holding a hand out in greeting. "My name is Cassandra."

A little face emerged from the blanket cocoon, glaring up at her with an anger that was more rooted in fear and uncertainty than anything Casey herself had done. It was an expression that she was extremely familiar with, on account of seeing it in the mirror more days than not. 

Actually, it really was like looking in a mirror. 

Her heart dropped out of her chest and all the way down to the bottom of her stomach as she watched the little girl examine her suspiciously. She couldn't breathe, not even when the kid reached out and grabbed her still-outstretched hand in a handshake too firm for her age. 

"My name's Cassandra, too," the little girl said. "But my friends all call me Casey."

[darling-wendy]

rei and miri's physicality: a chronological analysis (part 2)

Part one is here.

I accidentally missed this one from episode 3, and I am kicking myself because it is such A Moment, so I'm putting it here since I maxed out photos in part one.

Miri insists that the whole family sleep together, and what are Rei and Kazuki gonna do, say no? This moment is later referred to by both Miri and Rei, so it clearly left an impression. I genuinely wonder if they ever did it again or if the one time was so impactful. Anyway, I die at Miri's tiny fingers being curled around strands of Rei's hair.

Episode 7!

I think this is the only time we see Rei carrying Miri to the outside of the apartment as they're leaving the house, and I don't think Kazuki has done it either, so it was probably him trying to save time by running down with her since he believes they're running late for daycare.

Just more of Miri casually climbing on Rei again. After Rei heeds her comment (by ordering fries lmao. Rei, you disaster), she beams and clings harder.

Side note, it's funny how the cat shirt is clearly an indoor garment for him. He was sleeping in it and stopped to change into the purple shirt to take Miri to daycare despite running late (or so he thinks). He then he changes back into the cat shirt after they return.

In contrast to episode 3, this time when Miri climbs in the tub to sleep with Rei, he lets her. She probably wanted company after Kazuki "abandoned" them (and perhaps Rei did too).

Miri nuzzles Rei's hand in the cutest, softest, and most heart breaking way when he touches her head and asks if she's sick, and I hate that I don't have a gif of it to put here.

Once again, Rei picks her up so carefully :<

And this time he doesn't change his shirt. He just wraps Miri in a blanket and runs to Kyu 🥺 Look at his face, he's so worried about her.

Kazuki returns and finds them like this and it's so soft. Rei fell asleep kneeling at Miri's bedside, holding her hand. That's not a comfortable position to fall asleep in, even for Rei. The doctors probably reassured him that it was a typical cold that little kids will often get, but he was so worried, he kept a vigil by her bedside.

Episode 9! A big chunk of the episode is dedicated to Rei getting comfortable to open up more emotionally and have more confidence in his ability to be there for Miri. And then it culminates in the parent-child race.

Little kids using their whole hands to hold a couple of their dad's fingers is a very specific uwu button, but it sets me off every time. Not only was this moment referenced in the OP, it's also one of the only ones that's a direct scene lift

I love that they writers had the two of them hold Miri by the hand and carry her. That's such a gooey parent thing and I love to see it. I always wondered if it wasn't technically cheating, but never mind that, Miri got her medal lol.

Side note, Rei and Kazuki simply looking at each other and knowing exactly what they're both going to do--and them dusting all the others despite having fallen well behind--is so dear to me. Partners in work and childcare.

Piggyback! Now Rei has carried her in all possible ways. Not sure why Kazuki apologised for having Rei carry Miri when the stuff he's holding looked way more cumbersome to me lol. I personally thinks Rei enjoys carrying Miri around, especially when she's sleeping. Just a hunch.

Episode 10! A bittersweet one. Though not in terms of physicality for these two. Rei doesn't hug Miri to hide tears the way Kazuki does. He instead just lets his sadness show openly (well, openly behind Miri's back).

But back on topic. We get yet another instance of Miri's favourite way to rouse Rei out of sleep lol. I know it's Rule of Funny, but seeing Rei get more flustered by a pre-schooler jumping on him than by him walking into a hail of gunfire is golden. It also makes sense given his upbringing.

These are from two separate scenes, but I'm putting them together since they're so similar. The first one in particular is so sweet to me because Rei typically has both hands in his pockets. Here it's like he left one out so as to let Miri still have an outlet for the skinship that she loves to initiate. She's always mentioned how cool it is that Rei is so good at games, but the second one has more pure adoration than any other time. And Rei, more open with his emotions, is soaking it up. (Lol poor Kazuki)

Episode 11! Miri and Rei don't have have contact in the actual timeline of the episode's events, but we do get one amazing flashback.

I've gone back and forth between deeming this a flashback of unseen events and as a representative image of a concept Rei was thinking about. It kind of has the same filter as one of the quick flashbacks Kazuki has later in this scene. So, fuck it. It's a flashback. They swung her around again because she loved it so much the first time (and they're enjoying it too).

Episode 12!

Ten seconds in, we get one final 'Miri jumping on Rei to wake him up' gag to play us off lol. Great work, guys.

Miri helps Rei cook French toast for breakfast again, and this time they get Kazuki approval. High five~

I'm spit balling here, but my read on this is that Rei thinks Miri is asking that Rei pledge he cut his pinky finger if they break their promise. That's a thing the yakuza still do for infarctions and the only other time I've heard 'kejime' come up in a similar context was Higurashi, when Shion was being made to rip off her fingernails in penance. And it would perfectly explain Kazuki's reaction lol.

Another 'people's hands feel warm' moment, I'm sure. Once again, look at the size difference between their hands! 😭

Into the future, they remained sleeping buddies. And it's all the more significant that he's letting her rest entirely on his left arm. Rei has gone from sleeping in the bathtub in paranoid fear of ambush to napping in the open with his only working arm being restricted and probably gone numb from Miri lying on it. They're free 🥺

[mosses-gate-3]

How does Andis, Salix and Ren feel about kids? Do they like them, or just find them annoying? Are they any good with kids? Would they ever want kids of their own?

Bonus question: Tell us about their kids if they ever have any!

okokok I did do a similar ask a bit ago with Salix & Andy BUT! I have been thinking a ridiculous amount about regale children

Ren I think is surprisingly good with kids. One of their biggest strengths is keeping a calm, neutral outward appearance in stressful situations, and I think that translates over really well to childcare. They enjoy spending time with the kids at the Grove. As for whether they'd actually want kids of their own:

I don't think they and Gale can physically have bio kids together, nor do they want to. But I was thinking about them and children and a thing came to me.

“So you remember the egg from the creche, yes?” “…The one we put in a bag of holding six years ago and forgot about?” “…Well, I'd say it was less a random choice and more a calculated decision made for the good of the egg and our group, but yes - I've been researching and it’s fascinating, really, Githyanki eggs can incubate for extended amounts of time in the Astral plane due to a number of unique conditions and, theoretically, this property extends to pocket dimensions such as those created by a bag of holding. It’s been a dream of mine to study the precise conditions that make this possible for years–" "Gale, love, didn't you say this was urgent?" "Right! Yes. It’s hatching.” “It’s WHAT.”

...And then they go around frantically calling up Lae'zel and the others, and there's an impromptu six-year-anniversary reunion while they try to figure out how the fuck to take care of an egg baby. Featuring Dadstarion... NOT.

After he's safely born they all have a very long conversation about who should keep it. Wyll and Karlach are the obvious first choice but they're dealing with a lot of change at the moment (Wyll's training to become Grand Duke and they're moving back in to Baldur's Gate and aren't in a place for a baby yet.) Lae'zel is still fighting a civil war, Shadowheart has a lot on her plate already, and I wouldn't trust Astarion anywhere near a baby let alone with CUSTODY of one (see previous). So Ren and Gale keep the child and name him Xan. Look into his dead, soulless eyes.

They all try to stay in his life in some way. Lae'zel visits when she can. Shadowheart is like a cool wine aunt who's always around. Astarion is like a cool wine aunt who's never around. Karlach and Wyll, Wyll especially, are practically co-parenting the kid. He's not in the right situation for kids right now but he will be the best damn babysitter this side of Avernus.

But fear not, because in a couple years the two of them will have kids of their own! DAD WYLL LIVES IN MY BRAIN RENT FREE OKAY. I think their names are Talia and Jayden and they're raised very close with Xan, he sees them as his younger siblings and is very protective of them.

Here's Xan and Jayden! Talia is probably behind them. At this point Xan's about 10, Talia is 7 or so, and Jayden is around 4 or 5.

Xan inherited Gale's expressiveness and tendency to gesticulate, and Ren's logical mind and speech mannerisms. I think he's generally very responsible. Other than that he's hardly similar to his parents at all, he doesn't care for academics much and most likely becomes a melee class later. They're very proud of him anyway; it's probably for the better he didn't turn out Mystra's next Chosen or something.

When he gets older he and his siblings set out to become adventurers! Talia is a cleric of no deity in particular (that is a thing you can do I looked it up apparently the power can just come from something you really believe in) and Jayden's a sorcerer (I have Karlach classed as a wild magic barbarian in my playthrough which is where he gets it from.) Xan is a paladin, I don't know which oath, probably Ancients or Devotion. I'm currently working on aged up designs for them, I'll reblog this with them when I'm done.

That's pretty much all I have so far but this is pretty much what I consider canon after the game, at least in Ren's playthrough! I'm sure they'll be excellent parents. Even if they did forget a literal living baby in their bag of holding for SIX YEARS... But it's fine there was a lot going on. Thank god for the weird githyanki physics I made up.

[mayybirds]

If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more about the Winterses’ relationships to each other! Anything from little details and habits to just general explanations/rundowns would be treasured :D

Anon I always want to talk about the Winterses I 100% do not mind at all lol.

I think the family as a whole is simultaneously really closely bonded (partially due to the sheer trauma they experienced together) and also experience a lot of friction very easily. They love each other intensely but they weren't really Raised together and they all come from different backgrounds, be them religious, cultural, or socioeconomic. It leaves room for a lot of friction, especially between Delia and the kids. I think in the early years there was a lot of rapid oscillation between "You're not my mom, my mom is dead, fuck off and stop trying to parent me" and "Delia i'm so sorry i'm so scared please never leave me". Sometimes within the hour. She was a like 32 year old woman suddenly in charge of 3 teenagers, having no real childcare experience, and it was kind of a mess. She loves the kids though and they love her. As adults her relationships with Michael and Ethan are a lot more stable than they were when they were younger--though conversely, while Ava relied on her a lot as a traumatized kid desperate for a parental figure, Ava is a lot more stilted with her now as an adult. Delia has never pretended she knew what she was doing or that she was prepared for this, but she's always made sure the kids know she loves them and she didn't keep them with her just out of obligation. She wants to be in their lives--whether that's as their mom, their 'aunt', their guardian, or just their friend. They get to define who she is to them, and she's okay that sometimes that changes in the moment (see: Ethan's POV. He mixes up whether Delia is his 'aunt' or just 'Delia' in his thoughts a lot, while also very clearly viewing her as a mom even if he avoids calling her that most of the time).

Delia’s focus since RC has always been the kids. She’s so deeply embedded in survivor networks to this day because she was one of the first to go “look we need to figure out long term options for fake IDs and paperwork. I’ve got three kids who should be in school.” She worked a lot of odd jobs once they reached California to keep the lights on (yes they maybe squatted in a few places at first what about it). She was a mechanic in RC but after coming to California she ended up working primarily private security at first because it paid well and was mostly nights. She went back to being a mechanic when the kids got a little older and Michael and Ethan started helping with rent (despite her insistences otherwise. They were adults and they were gonna help Damn it). Michael keeps trying to get her to take it easy these days but she’s only 50 damn it! Don’t treat her like she’s old!!

Michael! Michael is the most well adjusted man in this house comparatively (which isn't a high bar but at least he cleared it. Ethan faceplanted tripping over it). He was the oldest when RC happened among the kids, and as an adult he still takes his role as 'big brother' pretty seriously. He loves his idiot siblings, and he loves Delia, too. When RC first happened he was pretty wary of Delia (fairly enough. the world is ending, your mom is dead, your dad is missing, everything's gone to hell in a handbasket, there's paramilitary weirdos running around, and this random white woman just fished you out of the river with this blood-spattered kid next to her? Nah), and in the months that followed he definitely better handled her treating him like a younger friend/ally ("I know you don't really need me, but Ethan and Ava need us both, so would you be willing to help me with them?" kind of vibe, even if Delia is also 'YOU ARE A CHILD' at Michael internally). He supported the ruse of passing them off as a family long before he saw them as one, but he grew attached to Ethan and Ava, and Delia, faster than he'd have ever copped to as a kid. And for all his grumbling about the stupidity of their various schemes and covers ("Sure Delia pass off three kids as half-siblings by three different fathers, one of which you'd have had to have as a teenager, that's believable" "DO YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA MICHAEL IF I SAY YOU'RE ADOPTED OR FOSTER KIDS THAT WILL RAISE EVEN MORE QUESTIONS"), he's kind of glad Delia always insisted on passing them off as a family, one way or another (the Winterses changed aliases and cover stories a lot when running from Raccoon City to avoid a clear trail, before they settled down in Cali). These days, he's the kid most unashamed to call her mom. She's his mom! He had another mom, too, and that's okay. Delia is his mom and she's also just Delia and he loves her. Michael still lives with her in California. He's lived on his own a lot, of course, and dated around, but relationships aren't really for him (he's a scrupulously honest person and hates that any relationship would require lying), and he likes being at home. He does have a robust friend network, though, and he likes to volunteer coaching the swim team at the local Y. He works as a manager at a local goodwill center. He’d have liked to have gone into social work or a medical field, but he worried about any profession that would have required a lot of background checks. He did take some nursing classes in community college, though. He attended school late, like Ethan did—both for financial reasons and because they wanted longer for their identities to be settled before they braved college paperwork.

Michael gets along with both of his siblings really well. He’s Ethan’s best friend (and the person Ethan was on the phone with at the beginning of RE7 in TtVtL canon), and has always looked out for him, even when they were teenagers (it defo painted an entertaining picture to everyone else. Michael was Cool and Ethan was Not and every other ~17yr old was not sure why he let this weedy 15yr old with the thousand yard stare follow him around. There was a lot of “excuse you that’s my BROTHER” energy). Michael meanwhile is very much the grounding older brother presence for Ava. She’s not good at taking Advice from Ethan because they’re closer in age and she thinks those in glass-houses-of-pretending-nothing-happened should not throw stones, but she’s better at taking it from Michael. She’s his baby sister and he wants to protect her but he also knows lecturing her doesn’t get him anywhere. I think as the two POC of the family they also just have bonding points on issues Ethan and Delia just can’t get.

Ava...loves her family. But it's hard to be around them. She's just still so angry about everything that happened, and her family respects her anger, but Delia just wants to keep the kids safe and Michael just wants to live a normal life and Ethan wants to pretend nothing happened. It's frustrating for her to try to talk to them about it because Ethan Doesn't want to talk about it and Michael mostly just is like "Ava babe please consider therapy" and Delia understands her anger but is also like. Her Mom. she wants her to be careful and safe and Ava doesn't want to be careful she wants the world to answer for what happened!! She fights with Ethan about it the most. But they still love each other--and would do anything to protect each other. She lives far away from the rest of the family and can't contact them a lot, but calls when she can. She has...employment. Her employer is not her day job. Her day job does not know her name is Ava Winters. She does not enjoy her work, but she thinks it's necessary. But if she had to choose between her job and her family? Her family. Always. She won't lose anyone again.

[lights-on-why]

reading the labour manifesto.

seems ok so far. usual bit of waffle.

(waffle of my own below, which I've stuck under a readmore)

they're gonna recruit more teachers. fantastic! (how? it doesn't say. but how hard can it be?)

free school breakfasts in every primary school is actually great news and i'm very happy about that!*

*I think that's what "free breakfast clubs" means, not just free morning childcare. not that free morning childcare wouldn't be fab, mind you

they're going to end tax loopholes, which might be harder than they make it sound, but it sounds like they have a few plans to make it more difficult. and they are gonna focus on large businesses avoiding tax, so what actually matters.

they're really vague on immigration, which does worry me. they're gonna stop illegal dangerous crossing and not send people to Rwanda, but they're not actually taking a position on whether immigration is good for this country or not.

"securonomics". lol.

i don't really understand economics and it's always hard to judge what it actually means. there's a bit of "yay business is good" for sure, but then also talking about "shaping markets not just serving them" and the downsides of big corporations. they are capping corporation tax at 25%, apparently the lowest of the G7 (Canada, France, Germany, Italy, US, UK and Japan) which seems backwards to me.

national rail is coming back! i was not even born when they got privatised but it will be interesting to see what that looks like. and local bus services are allowed too i think? their transport plan actually looks pretty good to me.

building more houses, which. i mean. i'm not actually sure but i think empty houses is more the issue? but then there is a proper housing crisis at the moment so. some stuff about environmental friendly housing which seems reasonable but i don't know enough to make a full judgement on.

growth growth growth. i'm not a fan, but then the 2nd biggest political party in the uk is hardly going to say "capitalism is a mistake and we need to get used to a lower standard of living in the grand scheme of things in order to be able to live sustainably" so. i'll take it on the chin.

oh! they do have an opinion on migration. it's bad. and "must be properly controlled and managed". and you were doing so well until now.

reforming jobcentre and work capability assessments, which are definitely broken at the moment. so hopefully any changes to that will be an improvement.

more workers rights! yay!

i'm gonna read the rest of it tomorrow. i may also ramble my thoughts on here, more just so that i don't get bored reading through it than anything.

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios Adventures

"So I know it's not much, but it's got great potential," Adrian said, gesturing to the lounge around them. "This would make a perfect club. It still has the lights installed from the previous owners. Wanda is offering some impressive rebates to anyone who promises to bring jobs and interest into Arkhelios. It's practically a steal at this price."

Roman looked around him at the pulsing lights and half empty bottles of beer. He'd never been one for the party scene, but charging an entry fee for a club sounded easier to make money quickly than painstakingly crafting an entire meal.

"It's worth going over with the accountant," he conceded. "I'm not sure if it's the right move, but it's a thought. I'll talk to Abe about it."

"Great. Let's break for lunch at that little sandwich shop in Pleasantview. We can review the twins' report cards while we eat. I want to make sure Luci is following the math curriculum well. Her last test was barely passing."

"And Rien's lack of social skills?" Roman suggested.

"That too," Adrian sighed. "Her twin sister can't stop socializing, but Rien doesn't seem to have the talent for it. I know my parents once said that Maura was a shy child. Maybe she can recommend me a resource she might have used. She's certainly charismatic now."

"You can certainly say that," Roman muttered to himself. Maura had no love for him, and she'd been very clear about what she'd do to him if he walked back into her life. Shy was the last thing he'd call Maura.

"Well, after lunch, go home and do wherever needs to be done," Adrian ordered. "Come into the restaurant for the dinner shift. I've got some ideas about how we can improve, but I want you to be surprised. It took quite a few calls to pull it off."

Roman raised an eyebrow, very curious as to the nature of this surprise. Adrian could be extremely thoughtful, but also very set in his ways. Spur of the moment surprises were his specialty, but he never veered too far from his comfort level. Once he had his mind set on something, it was hard to persuade Adrian on a different approach. He and Roman had had disagreements about how to run their business, and whatever this surprise was, Roman expected it to be the solution Adrian favoured.

"Okay," Roman agreed, seemingly powerless to do otherwise. "Let's go get lunch, I guess."

When Roman entered the kitchen that night, nothing seemed to be different. Tennyson was getting ready for the night rush and Dorian Hydes was washing up. They were loyal employees, who really seemed to like working with Roman. Dorian was about to head to college soon, but Roman wouldn't be surprised if he still took a shift now and then. The kid had a passion for food, just like Roman had at his age.

"Luci? Are you helping tonight?"

Roman whirled around to find his daughter washing her hands behind him.

"Yep, Dad asked if I wanted to and I said yes," she replied. "It's better than sitting with the babies."

If Adrian had brought Luci, her younger siblings were likely upstairs in the office playroom. Roman had a space by his office where he could drop the kids when he needed to have them at work with him. If Luci were here, then Rien, Saturnia, Fiolett and Abe Jr were likely there as well. Usually Adrian would take the kids off of Abe's hands when Abe needed a break from diapers and bottles, while Evren would take their two boys with him to work. He had childcare provided at the coven, and he wanted to get the boys in early classes if possible. Fiolett had started magic lessons on weekends and at school, but she seemed more content to follow Adrian around most of the time.

"Well, Luci, why don't you grate some cheese for me," Roman called. "You remember where we keep it, right? After that, you can help sort the cutlery."

Those were easy enough tasks that Roman felt confident leaving with his daughter. She did help at the restaurant from time to time, and she had certainly helped with dinner at home, so she had the necessary skills.

"Welcome! Can I show you a menu?"

Roman could hear Adrian outside the kitchen, charming guests and helping them get a table. They were down a server though, Adrian would probably be swamped with people, which would make irritated, hungry guests leave as they usually did.

"Bellamy Family Dining, how can I help you? For two people? Sure, I guess."

Roman thought he was hallucinating when he heard his son's familiar voice echo into the kitchen.

Theo? How? Could Theo actually be here, helping out? Adrian really did have a surprise. It's not just the younger kids, it's all of them!

"Let me get you seated in the VIP section, Your Highness. Thank you for joining us tonight, Evren simply can't stop talking about your ideas for the Arkhelios coven. You're an amazing leader. Your patronage is appreciated."

"Well, of course I had to come see this place for myself," Alicia warmly replied. "Your partner is a talented warlock, and frankly, a much needed breath of fresh air in Arkhelios. That Wanda. There's no way that she could make it in Strangetown with ideas like hers. Evren is a godsend."

Adrian smiled genuinely. He didn't need salesmanship to talk about Evren.

"Thanks, I think he's pretty great too."

"Hi, Mr Bellamy. Am I doing this right? What happens if I break a glass? Should I be wearing gloves?"

Roman turned around, hardly believing the voice he'd heard.

"Adam? What are you doing here? What's going on?"

The teen shrugged while Dorian snickered behind him.

"His Grace asked me to help out," Adam replied. "He talked to my parents and said that if Theo was a part of my family, then I was a part of his too, and family helps each other out. My parents agreed that I could help Theo at his job if I wanted and I get to keep my whole paycheck! If I had some spending money, I could afford to take Theo out on more dates."

"Uh huh."

Roman was baffled at the eagerness of the teen, but he couldn't fault the boy for his excitement. In fact, it was an admirable trait considering how Roman himself had been as a teenager. When he had to work in a bakery after his grandfather cut him off while at school, Roman had been miserable and angry. He felt entitled to the riches of his grandparents and peers without doing anything to deserve them. It probably had more to do with the proximity to Theo and the ability to impress him, but Adam's attitude was encouraging. Adrian had probably sold the Maricourts on something for this to happen, but Roman couldn't argue with results.

"What did His Grace tell you to do?" Roman asked. If this was part of Adrian's scheme, surely Adam had been assigned a role.

"Whatever you need," Adam boasted. "Though, I'm not a very good cook. If dishes are anything like cauldrons, I'm good at cleaning those."

Roman looked at the anxiety ridden teen and sorted through his options. No way would Adam be a good server with his nerves. Dishwasher and general support might be the best fit.

"Start with dishes and we'll work from there," he decided. "If you're here to work, then no slacking off with Theo on the clock. He doesn't have the...wisdom you seem to have, so you need to set an example."

Princess Alicia Toyonaga sipped her drink, watching the restaurant staff work the room. It wasn't a bad little place, probably because it had a man from Twikkii Island at the helm. Everything else in Arkhelios seemed to be chaotic and low class, so it was refreshing to see some actual service.

Her own daughter, Lexy, had been here for too long. She was beginning to enjoy this place and some of the people in it. If she hadn't moved into college last week, Alicia would have taken her daughter back to Strangetown. It was run by her hated father in law, but it at least had standards.

Still, Adrian had convinced her to hold her budget planning meeting at the restaurant. He was charming and even offered a discount if she brought more people of her station to the restaurant. Looking around, Alicia could see some of her coworkers at tables, as well as some others she recognized from Twikkii Island's royal court.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to drop that glass."

Adam mopped up juice and glass on the floor with embarrassment. It was only the second cup he'd dropped since starting his shift, but Roman hadn't seemed bothered by it. Considering how Theo's parents usually treated him, Adam was surprised to see Roman treat him with kindness and not suspicion.

"I'm meeting a business associate, not dining on my own, thank you. I'll have you know that Launce and I come to support this place quite often, you don't need to continue to rob me. Theo, did you book my usual table?"

Elaine stared at her grandson expectantly, while Theo ignored her in order to exaggerate his phone call. There was no way that he was going out of his way to serve his grandmother, who was at best apathetic to him. Let her seat herself, Theo was working.

"Hi, Theo. Is my table ready?"

Wanda burst through the doors of the restaurant with confidence. She was still the leader of Arkhelios after over a decade in office. She was a mother, leader, wife and witch. There wasn't a single thing she couldn't do if she put her mind to it, and right now, she was going to meet her husband for dinner date night and gorge on Roman's excellent cooking. With her busy schedule, it was difficult to have food ready at home, and she was supporting a local business and her nephew.

"Yeah, it's ready," Theo replied, checking his listings. "Go sit down and Tennyson will be with you shortly."

"Thanks."

"Grandma, you'll have to wait ten minutes, there's a birthday gathering that's just wrapping up. Sorry about the wait," Theo said with what could barely be called sympathy in his voice. "There's a waiting couch for old people in the hall."

"Spotless," Adam declared, holding up his cup as evidence. "This cup is cleaner than any cauldron will ever be. There's nothing to it."

"Good, now put it with the rest," Roman ordered, his attention focused completely on the meat he was cooking. "Start the next set. We're actually pretty busy tonight."

"This water isn't cold," Elaine remarked to her server. "Can't Roman afford to chill his drinks properly?"

"I can bring you another one," Dorian replied sympathetically. "It's just busy tonight, but I can absolutely fix your drink for you."

"You're Melvin's kid, right?" Elaine paused when the boy nodded. There was no benefit being rude to the police chief's son, when her true target was the head of the Bellamy family. "I'll tell you what. You can fix this if you bring this glass back filled with some vodka. Now."

"Adrian! What did you do? We can barely seat people fast enough tonight! You didn't make a demon deal, did you?" Roman teased as Adrian quickly popped into the kitchen to tighten a leaky sink that Adam had knocked into earlier.

"I only deal with one demon family, and they keep me busy enough," Adrian laughed. "No, I just talked to some people. And then some other people. And maybe a bit in the royal court. I may have offered a discount or two and greased some Maricourt palms. It's important that this place succeeds. I just told people how great it is."

"I'm sure that's all you did," Roman said skeptically, stirring the pot he was working with. "Like you've never done all that before. How did you get Adam here? His parents hate me and anything associated with me."

"Not as much as you'd think. It seems that the Maricourts have been doing some research on you and decided that there's some merit in keeping a friendly relationship with you. They came to me."

"They came to you?" Roman repeated. "What on earth have they read about me in the brief time since we last spoke? They knew about Dorhack and my mom last time, what else is there to know?"

"Something about getting to know the Bellamy family better," Adrian said with a casual shrug. "I didn't question it, you never do when the Maricourts are on your side for once. They have their own reasons and we're just expected to follow them."

A well-dressed redhead wandered into the restaurant, milling quietly around unnoticed. It wouldn't take long for the tiara to be noticed in a place like this, though.

Queen Maura II of Twikkii Island walked around busy tables, looking at the artwork on the walls.

Several pieces were pictures of Roman and his various family members, and others were clearly imported pictures from the mainland. She recognized a well-known Pleasantview warlock in one, but laughed when she saw the famous imagining of Hailee Evans. The woman was part myth as it was, and one local to what was now Crystal Cove. She had nothing to do with a restaurant in Arkhelios, except maybe letting visiting Crystal Cove residents feel more at home. Roman didn't have the intelligence or knowledge to try something like that, so it must have been Adrian's idea. They didn't exactly teach foreign deities in Arkhelios public schools, after all.

At least he hadn't borrowed from Twikkii Island's mythology- that she could see at least. The last thing she wanted was any trace of her family on Roman's walls. Sure, they were also Adrian's family, but a queen outranked a duke. It was Maura’s opinion that mattered here. Only her opinion.

"Your Majesty? Can I give you a menu?"

Adam approached the monarch cautiously, unsure if this was somehow a trap. Queens didn't just walk through restaurants unescorted or need to order from mediocre restaurants in foreign countries.

"Ah, you're the little warlock who loves my godson," she replied. "How nice to meet you. I will take a look at that, if you don't mind."

Adam warily handed Maura a menu and kicked Theo's foot to get his attention.

"Your godmother is here," he hissed. "Should I be worried? Is she about to arrest your dad for something? Why is she here?"

Theo shrugged, hanging up the phone. The same lady had been calling to make reservations every single hour they were open, only to change them again. Theo was convinced that this woman had nothing better to do with her time than irritate him. In his frustration, he'd completely missed their famous guest.

"Are you looking for a table for two?" Adam asked cautiously. "If your kids are coming too, we could probably accommodate them. We'd just need to move some tables around."

"Aunt Maura? Did you actually want to eat here? Don't you have personal chefs at home?"

"No, I think I've lost my appetite actually." She handed her menu back to Adam and smiled. "Adrian has improved this facility immeasurably, though not enough to entice me. Do send my regards to Roman though. Let him know that I stopped by."

The threat in her words hung heavy in the air. Adam tried not to show how nervous he was to have a queen glowering at him, but probably failed.

"That was weird," Adam noted, still somewhat stunned to see a monarch milling around an Arkhelios business like she had.

"Very weird," Theo agreed. "Maybe we shouldn't tell my dad about this. It's been a really successful night, and I'm sure the queen's appearance won't help his...everything."

"Deal."

[vincent-sinclair-deserved-better]

A Little Bit Of Heaven, A Little Bit Of Hell

I wasn't able to write today because the day drained me and I am frustrated so I'll just split this in two parts I guess (I just want to show it to people asdffgasad)

Characters: Judah (by @bluecoolr), Esther (yet to be introduced? mayhaps?), other minor background characters

Words: 3023

Content warnings: religion/Christianity, religious guilt, bible quotes, it's been years since I was in church so I'm making stuff up as I go, mention of murder - if you need anything else tagged or specifically marked in the text, please let me know

dividers by firefly-graphics

Where my heart becomes free  And my shame is undone 

It was like paradise. 

Or that was what it felt like in comparison to Judah’s home anyway. Sure, most of the people living in Zak would disagree, they were too brainwashed to see what kind of hell they lived in, but he knew. He saw the darkness wherever he looked, the corruption seeping from every nook and cranny, staining everyone and everything. And he knew the source of it, lived with it, the whole house and family tainted by self-righteous lies and false promises. He’d had to get out. 

Carmel was different. People were kind and welcoming from the moment he arrived, there was no one watching his every move or monitoring his words. They weren’t suspicious simply due to him being an outsider. There was no constant underlying threat of severe punishment for making a mistake. And he was treated just like everyone else; he didn’t catch spiteful glances thrown his way, nor was he immune to consequences or exempt from rules. For the first time in years, he felt normal and like an equal member of the community. 

Also, people genuinely liked and respected the Reverend as opposed to being scared or seeming completely enraptured with him. They came to the services because they wanted to and didn’t get anxious if they missed one.

The town had communal gardens, a bakery, a butcher, all the usual things. It was pretty self-sustained and actual money was only rarely used. Mostly for things that had to be bought from out of town; there were a few people who worked in the city and did supply runs. Everyone helped everyone and did whatever work was needed, to the best of their abilities. 

Parents didn’t have to worry about their children getting a place in kindergarten or school since the town had everything. In the community centre, there was a specific area for children who needed to be watched past the time the school ended, and it included free food, activities, and help with homework or studying. Single parents didn’t have to worry about not finding someone to look after and take care of their kids because there was always someone willing to do it. Alternatively, the town had what could probably be most closely compared to boarding schools, where parents who were overwhelmed with childcare could send their children, along with being where orphans lived. Those schools also offered an option for teenage mums to stay and live with their children. 

Carmel also offered full support for people who wanted to move away for whatever reason, from kids wanting to attend college over single adults looking for a job and career to families who wanted a change of scenery. They were supported on every step of the way. No questions, no criticism, no judgement, no objections. 

Everything was perfect. 

So perfect it was outright blinding. 

But things don't always come that easy  And sometimes I would doubt 

He still wasn’t sure if he had actually not seen the signs or if he’d subconsciously ignored them, unwilling to let go of the ideal vision that he’d had in his mind. It was difficult to bring the image of the Reverend’s friendly, helpful brother David into accordance with the devious person Abigail had spent the last half hour describing to him. Still, he couldn’t sense any dishonesty in her voice, and her tearful expression seemed sincere. It pained him to see his usually cheerful and smiling neighbour like this. 

“Please,” she said, “I won’t ask your aid, all I need is for you to not tell on us. Not yet, at least.” 

Some strands of dark hair that had escaped her braid where clinging to her forehead and cheeks, her skin covered in a mix of sweat and tears. She looked tired and scared. Desperate. He was torn, unsure what was the right thing to do. All he had wanted to do was take out the trash and get ready for a lazy evening, lounging on the sofa and watching TV. He hadn’t expected to catch Abigail and Esther, a girl who helped with a lot of community events, climbing out of a window of the neighbouring house. Esther walked over to them, still holding Abigail’s new-born son. The boy had been fussy and crying, so she had taken him to calm him down. 

“They’ll send her to Saint Margaret’s,” she stated simply. The community home for single parents, teenage mums, and struggling families. A good place, build on kindness and compassion. Or so he had thought. 

Judah rubbed his temples, watching the boy who was now looking around the room, his chocolate brown eyes filled with curiosity and innocent wonder, “And you’re sure you can’t just- I mean, surely someone would believe and-” 

There had to be a solution. Something that didn’t involve him lying and going behind other community members�� backs. There had to. But then again, why would they lie? If what he had been taught before was true, why would anyone want to run away? If the people actually were as supportive and kind as he had thought up until now, why would a first-time mother go through the trouble of sneaking out of the hospital with her baby? 

Esther sighed and handed the boy back to his mother, before stepping in front of Judah, looking up at him, “Listen, I know this is a lot to take in, but we don’t have much time. At this point, someone must have noticed her disappearance. They’re probably looking for her already, and it won’t be difficult to figure out that she might want to stop by her former home.” 

“It’s just... it just seems so... harsh. Ostracising someone, sending them away or locking them up I could imagine, but outright murder? It’s against everything we believe in, isn’t it?” he said unsure, questioning, not even knowing whether he was trying to convince himself or not. 

“I can give you proof, okay? I can prove everything she said and more, just not now,” Esther replied and grabbed his hand, her eyes pleading, “Just go to sleep and act like nothing happened. Pray for forgiveness for all I care. This isn’t your... ‘fight’, for the lack of a better word. You don’t have to get involved, and the sooner we get out of here, the smaller the risk of being seen with us.” 

He sighed but nodded, “Alright. I’ll just... I’ll head upstairs, get ready for bed. You do what you must.” 

With that he turned and left before either of the women could say another word. When he reached his bedroom, he just sat down on his bed, not even bothering to turn on the light. He just stared into the darkness. This was the exact kind of stuff he had been running from. Secrecy and lies, fear and betrayal. Death. But it seemed like it was impossible; no matter how idyllic a place looked on the surface, corruption spread its tendrils everywhere, slipping through the smallest cracks in people’s faith and seeping into their hearts. 

And, contrary to everything he thought he had known, if what the women had said was true, things here were even worse than back home. 

Back home? 

This thought gave him pause, ripping him out of his contemplation. This was his home. It had been for almost a year now, and that’s what he had thought and felt about it as well. The town, the people, the house – this was his home. The community was his community, his family. 

He hadn’t thought of Zak as home in years. It’d been the place he lived, where he was stuck, trapped – his own personal hell. Zak had not been home. It wasn’t home. How could it be? It was led by a bunch of murderers. 

Just like Carmel, apparently. 

His heart clenched at the thought and his chest hurt. His head hurt too. It was too much, everything was too much, and for the first time since he was a child he went to sleep without proper prayer. All he could muster the energy to do were a few sentences mumbled under his breath, before he lied down and slipped under the blanket. He didn’t even change into his pyjamas. 

My life  I know it’s never really been mine   So do with it whatever You like   

Judah had expected there to be some kind of agitation or restlessness the next day, some consequence for what had happened last night – instead everything was as calm and peaceful as always. Nothing had changed. As he stood in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil, he wondered if it had all just been a dream. Back in Zak someone would’ve already come knocking at the door, ready to take him in for questioning. Nothing escaped Darrell and “The Zakkaites” attention. But there was no knocking, no doorbell, no calls. 

Despite feeling exhausted, he did manage to get dressed and attend the 12 o’clock service, half expecting people to give him judgemental or knowing looks, but everyone just smiled at him. Kindness and trust.  

Proverbs 28:13 – Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. 

He sat down next to the baker, a woman named Sarah, and tried to calm down. At this rate, people were bound to figure out that something is wrong, it was basically written in his face. As if on cue, Sarah nudged him, “Are you alright? You are looking pale.” 

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well,” he replied, which technically wasn’t a lie. 

Sarah nodded and squeezed his hand, “Maybe try and take a nap once you’re back home. You deserve some rest.” 

Luke 8:17 – For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.   

The service seemed to pass in the blink of an eye while also seeming to last forever. The Reverend had talked about guilt and regret and penance. About how everyone could be forgiven. Judah was ready to go and ask if the Reverend had a moment, that he needed to tell him something, but before he had the chance someone grabbed his arm. 

“You ready to talk?” Esther said, piercing blue eyes seemingly staring right into his soul. 

“Actually, I was going to-” he began, but she cut him off, “Great, let’s go then.” 

With that, she turned around and pulled him with her. He was to stunned to react at first, and didn’t want to draw attention to them either. 

“Esther, wait. We can’t just- I can’t just keep quiet about this. It’s wrong,” he said, managing to pull his arm from her grasp and stop. Esther turned to look at him, then their surroundings, and nodded towards an alley, “Can we at least not do this in the middle of the road?” 

He sighed, “Yeah, sure.” 

They went to the side of the road, just far enough to be out of immediate earshot while also remaining fairly inconspicuous. 

“So, what is it? Did all the talk about sin and forgiveness affect you, or were you planning to run off to the Reverend all along?” Esther said, an edge to her voice that almost felt hostile, but was really just bitterness. He felt sorry for her, wondering if her mind was perhaps being affected by guilt she wasn’t aware she was carrying. 

“I hadn't really made up my mind going in, I wasn’t sure whether all of last night’s... happenings were actually real or just a dream,” he said slowly, “But the Reverend did bring up some good points. Relatable points. Like, I think it was Psalms 32:3-4, ‘When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.’ - don’t you feel that at all?” 

She scoffed, “No. And I strongly doubt David and the Reverend’s other brothers care much about confessing their own wrongdoings either.” 

“But it isn’t our place to judge,” Judah replied, “That’s up to the Lord.” 

“Isaiah 1:17 – ‘Learn to do right; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.’” Esther said, “Widows like Abigail. Orphans like the children whose mothers pass in that cursed birth house because if they aren’t deemed worthy, they only receive minimal care. They let people die there, Judah.” 

Psalm 120:2 – Save me, Lord, from lying lips and from deceitful thoughts.   

“I’m sorry, Esther, but that’s just really hard to believe,” he said, unable to meet her eyes. 

Some people had gathered in front of the café just a little down the road, watching their quiet but agitated discussion. Esther clenched her jaw and leaned closer, forcing him to look at her, “So let me speak. Tell you what I know, the other perspective. Just hear me out, or are you so unsure in your faith that you worry you could be this easily deceived? If what I say is untrue, don’t you think you’d be able to tell?” 

“If what you say is true it would only prove that I have been deceived already, so how could I trust my own judgement?” he replied, frowning at his insecurity. 

“Whatever. If you don’t want to listen, I can’t make. If you prefer to stay blissfully oblivious, be my guest. And if your ‘guilt’ is so much you insist on running off to the Reverend, sure. They’ll be grateful, and whatever will happen to me... well, I have no regrets. I only do what I deem to be right and just. And if I could go back in time, I’d do it all over again,” Esther stepped away from him and straightened her posture, putting on a neutral expression, “Just one more thing for you to consider: Proverbs 11:13 – ‘A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret’. Make of that what you will.”   

Everything I once held dear  I count it all as lost 

Hearing his brother’s words come from Esther’s mouth was like a punch to the gut, and he kept staring at the space she had stood even after she had left. He felt sick. How could it be that the past he had so desperately tried to escape from and forget was catching up to him now? Did Esther know Darrell, or was it just chance? He didn’t know what to believe anymore, his thoughts and feelings in complete disarray, and he prayed for some kind of sign that would show him the right way. 

The touch of a hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his thoughts and his gaze met Sarah’s worried expression, “Judah, dear, are you alright? You really aren’t looking well.” 

He just stared at her for a moment and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. 

Sarah gently took his arm and lead him across the street, towards the café, “Come, take a seat and have a glass of water. Take a moment to calm down, you seem troubled.” 

“I- yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” he replied, voice raspy and almost inaudible. 

They found a table right by the window, and the small crowd that had formed dispersed on Sarah and Judah’s arrival. He still felt eyes on him, people watching while walking out. He told himself they were just concerned for his well-being, but it didn’t feel quite right. 

It didn’t even take five minutes for a glass of water to be brought while Sarah sat across from him, holding his hand and keeping a watchful eye on him. It was only when he picked up the glass to take a sip that he realised he was shaking, but thankfully Sarah didn’t comment. He didn’t feel like talking about his past. He didn’t even want to think about it. 

“You really shouldn’t spend too much time with Esther,” Sarah said, gentle voice having a surprisingly serious edge to it. 

He met her gaze, brows furrowed in confusion, “Why not?” 

“She’s a bad influence. Hiding it well, though,” the older woman replied, “Her parents have been trying to rein her in for years now, but despite acting all nice and proper on the surface, people know she’s secretly up to no good.” 

“But... isn’t she one of the main people planning the gardens? And doing a lot of tutoring in the community centre?” 

Sarah sighed, “As I said, she is hiding it well. Just, be careful. Don’t blindly believe what she says, and be prepared for her trying to use her past as a means to gain you sympathy.” 

The way Sarah was talking about and describing Esther was so different from what he had seen and her tone rubbed him the wrong way. Despite trying to keep her voice concerned and caring, there was clear judgement. Especially the last part of her sentence sounded almost deprecating. “Her past? What about it?” 

“Her older siblings died in a car accident when she was fourteen, she didn’t take it well and started acting up afterwards, running away and doubting the Lord. It got better – or at least more subdued – once she turned eighteen,” she explained, turning to wistfully look out of the window, “She used to be such a good girl, you know? Well behaved, polite, gentle, earnest. Then her sister started getting into her head, telling the poor child Lord-knows-what. The accident was the last straw, and no matter how well she pretends to have returned to that innocent and pious girl she used to be... it is hard to believe. People don’t just change overnight. There’s still something wrong with her, that I am certain of.” 

Judah’s stomach twisted, every single word making the feeling stronger, and by the time Sarah had finished speaking, he was feeling nauseated. No matter how hard the older woman had tried to obscure her acrimony towards Esther, attempting to cover it behind pretend compassion and melancholy, it had seeped through, her words dripping resentment. In all the time he had been here, he had never seen anyone express such negativity. Maybe it was a slip-up on Sarah’s part, or maybe he hadn’t paid attention. Either way, he wanted to get out and have some space to think. 

tag? tag: @probably-a-plant-thing @solmints-messyocdiary @visceravalentines @goldrose-star @rottent33th @immortal-velociraptor @myers-meadow @ace-of-hearts-and-spades

remember, remember, the fifth of November to tell me if you don't want to be tagged, I know all the AU and OC stuff isn't for everyone, not everyone cares about all OCs etc. I won't be offended, promise <3

[adrixnadelgxdo]

Welcome to the Neighborhood

Ike & Adriana

@isaacapatow

Ike:

-*pokes his head in, looking around, then comes in properly once he sees adriana*- Oh, hey, Adriana. You're the new child minding ... looking-after ... the new childcare person? You remember me, right, Ike.

Adriana:

*-Adriana looks up as the door opens-* Ike... right. I remember. What can I do for you?

Ike:

Oh, nothing. -*smiles a bit and moseys over, hands in his pockets*- I was just walking around and decided to come in here. I don't normally have much to do with the kids but, y'know. How're you settling in, and all that.

Adriana:

Alright. Still learning where everything is and getting to know the kids and their parents. Everyone is very nice.

Ike:

-*leans back a little, regarding her*- You don't have to be polite with me, y'know. That's the one thing everyone knows about me. And they're not all nice.

Adriana:

*-looks at him with a bit of confusion -* I'm not quite sure what you mean. Everyone I've met has been nice.

Ike:

-*snickering a little*- Ohhhhh-kay. Well, you can get back to me on that one.

Adriana:

*-Adriana still looks a bit confused but let's it go.-* I'll keep that in mind, then. *-she leans against one of the counters, keeping her eyes on Ike.-* You're friends with Ermano, right?

Ike:

-*bites his lips for a moment to keep from outright braying a laugh*- Sure, yeah. I'm friends with Ermano. In the way where he'd rather have a tooth pulled without anaesthesia than have a conversation with me, but we're kinda friends.

Adriana:

*-that was not the answer she was expecting but she doesn't question it-* But you've known him for the past few years, right?

Ike:

Sure I have. He's a good guy, if you're not counting the eternal mad-face and the allergy to happiness. -*leans forward, curious now*- Why?

Adriana:

*-Ike doesn't know it, but he's already kind of answered where she was going with this.-* I, uh.....I'm his ex-wife. I was going to ask if he's been happy but I guess I already have my answer.

Ike:

-*his eyes go big and round at this news, mouth dropping open*- Oh ho-leee SHIT. You can't be serious. -*looks her up and down with new eyes, making no effort to hide the blatant evaluation*- Well, damn. Ermano did good for himself. I can see why he's been so grim, if you're an ex. So -- what caused it, huh? Did he cheat on you? Did you cheat on him?

Adriana:

*-she's not sure she likes how he seems to be studying her but she had been used to those looks-* What? No, no, nothing like that. *-the last thing she would have ever done to Ermano is cheat on him and she didn't think he would have ever done that to her. She actively avoids answering his question, though. The miscarriage was still a sore spot for her-* Is he really that unhappy?

Ike:

He's miserable. I always thought it was our general situation and having to be in charge of assholes like me, but maybe now I need to revise my thinking. -*comes over and leans against her counter, nearby*- How long were you two together? Was this some kinda high school sweethearts thing? Jesus, you must've been a god damn stunning pair.

Adriana:

*-if that's meant to make her feel any better, it doesn't. because of course she blames herself for that. when he comes over and leans against the counter, she shifts over a bit to give him space.-* Ten years. We met in a bar.....well, I ran into him and spilled his drink on him.

Ike:

-*gives a quiet crowing laugh*- Aw, man -- an honest-to-god meet cute! Shit, that's adorable. Was he smitten with you at first glance?

Adriana:

*-she laughs a little and shrugs-* I think so. I know I was. He was sweet and charming and his smile could light a room. And his dancing....quite literally, he swept me off my feet.

Ike:

He not only smiles and is charming but he *dances*? -*shakes his head, delighted at this new information*- That's amazing. So it was love at first sight for you guys.

Adriana:

Yeah, something like that. He was away a lot for deployments, but in a way, it made all of those moments we did have a bit more special. He was a great husband.

Ike:

-*repeats, a bit wondrously*- He was a great husband. Man. -*rubs the back of his neck*- What happened, then? Was it soldier PTSD stuff?

Adriana:

No, no. He....*-she pauses as she takes a deep breath-* I couldn't give him what he wanted so I let him go.

Ike:

Well. I know you're purposely not being more clear about that and if it was somebody with a functioning sense of propriety and manners you were talking to, I'd let it go, but... -*shrugs, mouth screwed to the side*- Did he even wanna be let go? What was it you felt you couldn't give him?

Adriana:

I think so. He, uh.....he wanted a family. Kids, I mean. *-she motions around her to the classroom-* And we tried but nothing ever came of it. He wanted to be a dad so bad and I know it killed him that we couldn't make one. It didn't seem fair to keep him trapped in a marriage where he might never get that chance.

Ike:

-*clenches his teeth shut for a moment before consciously relaxing his jaw*- That's ... rough. You guys were set on having a bio-kid? Adoption can be hard and all.

Adriana:

I know I was. The thought had crossed my mind about adoption but I was so focused on having our own. Maybe if I hadn't been so focused on getting pregnant, things would have been different.

Ike:

-*dithers for a moment on asking this but then does it anyhow*- You blamed yourself. For not being able to give him a kid. So you figured he blamed you too, or he would eventually.

Adriana:

*-she tucks her lower lip under her teeth and sighs heavily before nodding.-* Yep, that's the gist of it.

Ike:

-*pats the counter between them*- I'm sorry. That's the shits. And you two didn't keep in contact after you went splitsville?

Adriana:

*-she shook her head with a sad smirk on her face-* No. He, uh.....he was overseas a lot on deployments so trying to get a hold of him was next to impossible and after I left, I didn't think he'd want to hear from me. I....I know it sounds bad, but I left when he was deployed. Figured it would be easier for both of us that way.

Ike:

-*shrugs a shoulder*- Ahhhh, it always sounds bad after. But in the moment sometimes the shit we do is all we can think of to do. -*drums his fingers against the counter for a minute*- He's here now, though, and you're here now. And now you know he's been miserable without you. And I'm not saying he's been pining for your love, or nothin' -- I barely know anything about you guys -- but ... it must've been hard for you both, everything ending so messy and unfinished.

Adriana:

*-she tucks her hands under the flaps of her jacket, almost hugging herself-* Yeah, it has been. I mean, for me, at least. I can't speak for him. I would like to talk with him, apologize for everything but it might be little too late for that. For all I know, he's already moved on.

Ike:

Everyone's moved on a little bit. We had to. But it's probably still worth it for your peace of mind.

Adriana:

*-her smile brightens just a bit as she nods-* Yeah...yeah, you're right. Thanks, Ike.

Ike:

No problem. -*raps the counter again, then straightens up and heads for the door*- Next time I'll bring a bundt cake to welcome you to the neighbourhood instead of prying into your personal history!

Adriana:

*-she laughs as she stays leaning against the counter and watches him leave-* I'll hold you to that.

[themomsandthecity]

The Pain of Not Being Able to Decide If You've Had Your Last Baby

I've been waffling for a long time about having a third and final baby. Even as I write this, my mind moves simultaneously through two different futures, and I get anxious trying to map out which one is right. In truth, they are more like future tenses: the one that will happen and the one that could have. That's because, no matter how much my heart aches at the thought of it, I'm done having kids. I've decided it, and my husband wholeheartedly agrees. That window is shut. But, every so often, I feel this tinge deep inside and think, "Oh, if I could have just one more baby." In that moment, my logic blurs and all my sound judgment cracks, and I feel stuck in this emotional limbo of wanting something I can't have. Or rather, could have. Because I could have another baby. I was incredibly lucky and got pregnant quickly both times, so there'd be a good chance conception would be swift. I could once again take that pregnancy test and feel my skin prickle with anticipation. I could go about my day with momentary blips of realization that life was literally growing inside me. I could go to doctor appointments, feel that cool gel on my stomach, and listen as a fetal doppler played the musical notes of my baby's steady heartbeat. I could feel the pulsing kicks from within my engorged stomach, a sensation that stuck around for weeks after my two births but is now a distant memory I can't replicate yet miss tremendously. I could go into labor. I could bear down as my husband looked on gobsmacked at the courageous mother of his children. I could push a miracle out of my body and experience for the third time in my life a euphoria stronger than any drug. I could feel the waves of adrenaline slowly taper off as I reveled in what my body was able to create. I could nurse this minutes-old baby. I could feel my milk coming in, the warmth of let-down and the full-body exhale that comes with that first good latch. I could revel in the joy of breastfeeding, which for me was the greatest bonding experience I've ever had with my babies. However . . . But that's not enough to make up for what I'd lose. I could sway dramatically on the pendulum of joy and sadness, of glee and rage, of "I got this" confidence and debilitating anxiety. I could look in the mirror and not recognize the reflection. I could try my best to see past the dark circles under my sleepless eyes, the postpartum acne riddling my chin, and the extra 20 pounds on top of the 20 pounds I was still trying to lose after my second pregnancy. I could desperately hope for my old body back while knowing it could be anywhere from two years until never before those physical changes normalized. I could sink farther away from myself. I could give up the few "just for me" interests I've salvaged through the years, I could debate leaving a career I love in deference to the complexities of childcare. I could put my personal goals and dreams on hold indefinitely. I could put my marriage at risk. I could fight with my husband - not just bickering over dirty dishes or bedtime routines, but painful arguments that we don't have the time or energy to resolve so they just build up, one on top of the other like scar tissue. I could lose patience, and I could lose my ability to keep my own control issues - my temper and my Type A tendencies - in check. With two kids, I'm already struggling to be present and to provide the childhood I'd envisioned for them. I've managed, but adding another child could turn me into a mother I never wanted to be. And then, once my daydream shifts toward nightmare territory, my mind jolts back into action, reminding me of my decision - my decision that I should not go down that path again. Yes, I desperately want just one more pregnancy, just one more empowering childbirth experience, just one more opportunity to bond with a newborn baby who needs nothing from this world aside from me. But that's not enough to make up for what I'd… https://www.popsugar.com/family/Deciding-Have-Another-Baby-45909410?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr

[herunswithscissors]

I dwell in Hell already. I'm doing my best to release bits of Heaven into Hell and give the Powers of Hell some indigestion. I'd prefer to give them deadly food poisoning, but we do what we can for The Resistance.

I abide in Hell. I move in Hell. I eat Hell. I drink Hell. I pay Hell rent. Hell is baked into everything in White Christofascist Capitalist Hell. The Hell we usually call America and Christianity.

I'm the belly of Capitalism and Evangelical Christian Nationalism. They are the most demonic influences upon our good world. And I live in the intersection of their bellies and assholes. I get all the shit from both while they also consume me. Devouring my body mind and family out from among each other's shit all vying to get the most of the choicest parts of my intelligence, skills, and hard hard work. Heedless of my needs not of the shit around me.

Although they are very effective at itself each other's shit against me. Often in open cooperation to hurt me the most in my mind. To frustrate me at every turn. To squeeze me for every last cent. And being most brutal where I was most vulnerable.

And if they were brutal to someone as privileged and invulnerable to the system as me for whom I assure you had worked really, really far better for me than against me compared to more vulnerable populations and individuals. I assure you that the system has almost always took from us far more than it gives. And I say that as someone who stands to get a $500,000 highly impossible to get operation to restore my daughter's childhood paid in full, has been on assistance of one kind or another, including getting $800 a month on groceries and subsidized housing at the same time as getting free childcare and school vouchers to transfer our kids to private schools. All those benefits and it cost so much to get them, were so hard to use, and so full of shame, so stingy and cruel, that even the most well meaning social workers could barely do anything to make it better.

But it could always be worse. It could always be worse. And it took so much.

Have you ever ended up in a public psych ward? It doesn't matter that I think I belonged there, and should have belonged there. But I didn't belong there and that has nothing to do with my sanity. It didn't matter that I really needed help in that moment. No decent loving paramedic or cop would deliver you there if they ever set foot inside. Image open rooms, people of varying degrees of violent psychotic tendencies wander aimlessly drugged to carrying degrees with an irrefusable "antipsychotic" they don't elaborate on before plunging a needle into my thigh while I'm strapped into a purposeful stress position. They start you in a stress position. They even pulled my shirt up so I'd be cold. Jokes on them I was hot. But it still hurt like hell and filled me with rage and fear like I've ever known. This was obviously standard procedure. As soon as I was awake I had me left arm barely healed from a brutal chronic injury cranked back to a position above my head and below my heart, centered to strain no matter how relaxed I was. The pain was intense. That is called "stress positions" in our propaganda. Anyway this brutal "gentle" corrective was used to let me know how far they could go and more. This was just procedure. Don't piss is off or make trouble or be too needy. Just behave in a situation where you can't even relax locked in a shitty cell. Those were for the serious cases. Low level eaters of their own flesh and suicide risks are just corralled, bullied with drugs and pain into servile submission to the most ridiculous or derogatory demands.

They were all derogatory and most were ridiculous. begging for water while your neighbor on the bed bench you share with the nice lady chewing on her own arm. The guards took delight in terrorizing us so much it was almost comical were it not also so terrifying that these assholes and the asshole cops who demanded of my traumatized wife that they be allowed to search for "meth" "and maybe ketamine" a partner of the 4 man squad added. So after they cranked the cuffs on tight and refused to really talk to me, they wanted to pin meth on me so I could be dragged in my hospital gown into a public courtroom

(I've seen it happen right before traffic court. Just normal business. Mentally disturbed or suicidal people dragged in cuffs into court in their fucking gowns and forced to be polite to everyone while they plead for their freedom while they are all routinely wearing cuffs on wrists and ankles the entire time even while before a very hardened and unpleasantly bored judge that you knew right away from the way he handled these most vulnerable people in the world with such distain and the open disgust while giving sanctimonious sermonettes was so fucking typical and let's you know right aways he's going to screw up your easy traffic tickets appeals.)

They wanted to drag me into a courtroom like that after handing me quite gently for all their trampling on my civil rights, they barely trampled upon my person except in the cranking on cuffs so unnecessarily hard. And behind my back. When I came out and immediately lay down.

They wanted me to go to jail after they delivered me to the fucking Jaws of Hell/Rectum of Hell. The worst literal hell I can think of outside of prison for life and I think it rivals Christian Hell for long term sustainable suffering for the most vulnerable and sick and uniquely in dire need of love and safety and medical treatment along side well meaning competent psychiatrists.

Thank God I had kind and competent psychiatrists who got me out within 12 hours after finally getting around to examining me to see what might be the matter with me beyond I had a breakdown while high on marijuana after the most horrific fight of my life with the love of my life. I had a minor psychotic break but after a short nap I was shaken up but more than ok and safe to go home.

But it took that good psychiatrist six hours to even see me. And another 6 more doing fuckall or more likely working like hell to wade through hell once again just to free a patient. I think this psychiatrist was one of those types.

I did see one other nice doctor before. But I made the mistake of telling her about my break and how terrifying it had been. But thank you for taking care of me, I'd like to get up an go sit down till the doctor can see me soon. As you can see I am safe and awake and aware. I just had a break and self diagnosed a few too many degrees off. So She smiles, pats my hand, and consigns me to hell to wait my turn to see the good doctor in the hell all the other compliant patients are tossed into along with the not so compliant and not so stabby or self-eaty (seriously. Woman chewing on the meat of her arm with blood everywhere.) With the sadistic guards who have a whole array of tortures to follow up their beatings.

She knows it. She lives in it and is one of the nice doctors there. She regularly visits Hell to see her patients and do what little she can/feels like. And she didn't let me go sit in the waiting room, or my own private room or even a cell with a bed or even a padded room. Everyone goes straight to Hell for processing and holding indefinitely.

I watched the orderlys who called themselves nurses bully and torture.

This one woman was desperate to call her brother to get her dog out of her non ac house in 110(literally) Fresno heat under full sun windows closed. He was going to bake to death for sure. And they told this woman she could only call her brother if she could recall the number of her brother, write it down, let an orderly call it, get her brother to stay on the line long enough to give it to the desperate woman. She first asked for the phone at 6 am. Plenty of time for her brother to wake up and rescue the dog, the woman's only real friend left in this world besides her brother perhaps. He could have saved her whole world before it even got warm.

And she couldn't remember his number.

Who knows their brother's number? I could not tell you my only brother, best man at my wedding, still best friend beyond my wife an father and mother. It doesn't matter how often we talk. It's not terribly often. We have a complicated friendship and a loving brotherhood and siblings hood with each other, our sister, and others spouses who we hold nearly as dear as each other. Sometimes I call him a lot. I can't tell you his number. I just squish his ugly square face with my thumb and call that fucker up. He always is there for me on the other end. We just have trouble communicating or understanding each other's worlds. And we just can't figure out each other's inner worlds the way Tracy does. She knows us far better than we know each other. And he and I are so close. We grew up as each other's only play partner for years at a time. Any way I don't know his number. My Dad's out Mom's. Not even my favorite child. My only daughter. No fucking clue. Nobody knows anybody's number. My wife and my defunct childhood phone numbers are the only numbers in the world I know that matter to me. All others are just unseen numbers behind a name that shows up on the screen huge, sans number. You can't even practice with your calls using the phone book for convenience sake only for a few well practiced from all the calls while reciting the number to yourself. It worked so well for me. But now just 2. Not even my own fucking office. I struggle to remember my own. We got so weakened by hiding the numbers.

Anyway. This poor woman, stuck in hell is desperately trying to save her little yappy dog who is her whole world. And she can't remember her brother's number.

Can she please pretty please, it's such a big ask I know but could I pretty please use my own cell phone that's in with my things in an uncomfortably easily accessible area to you. Very convenient. Could I turn on my phone and call my brother that way. It's for my baby.

Two hours later. Literally.

Your phone is out of batteries we tried turning it on back there to snoop, but the batteries dead. Sorry about the dog. None of us has a charger they're willing to lend.

But I have my own charger she says. It's also in with my things. You must have seen it after all I had connected it to my phone to make harder to get separated.

Oh, that charger. I suppose we could do that. We just need to go back there and get the charger first. Great! Could you pretty please go get it and plug my phone in for 5 minutes? When we get around to it. Keep your panties on woman.

2 literal hours later.

We called your brother. He won't pick up the phone and we didn't leave a message because it's your problem. Sorry about your dog.

But dear sirs, might I call him myself? It is noon. It is already over 100 and it will hit the teens. He might already be dead. Please let me plead with my brother. If only to leave a message, at least there's a real hope he'll check it in time and it's just his way of screening his calls.

All "medical" calls are just bill collectors harassing you again about wanting to not have a massive psoriasis outbreak and your daughter having extreme epilepsy. Nobody in their right mind picks up for medical. If they talk straight to you they can start the clock till liens can be used against you. Direct early engagement without knowing what's going on, your coverage, you basic civil rights for Christ sake?! It's so foolish. But we all check our voicemails pretty soon. Even if just to see what they want this time.

Can I perhaps leave a message.

That seems a reach, lady, but just this once since you asked nicely. If you were bitchy or a Karen we'd have you strapped into stress positions while your dog roasted alive. And if you were too desperate, you'll need more drugs. You've been so very patient. So keep being patient till we can spare a minute for Solitaire to get your phone. (Literally)

2 literal hours later.

Here's your phone. Hurry it up. Sorry about your dog.

They fucking killed her dog in front of her while dangling torture over her to thank them for it.

Fucking evil place. And she was White and kinda with it. Image the more truly vulnerable (we are all vulnerable to consignment to Hell at any cops whim. If they got a wellness check over a suicide concern for a classmate they will barge in with accusations of attempting the crime of suicide. It's this Advil how you were going to do it? No! I don't want to kill myself. I never wanted to kill myself. I never even mentioned suicide. I'm just depressed and didn't want to go to swim practice . They go discuss with the swim team. They walk in with tasers in hand and tell her that she can lay down or be laid down. Either way you are getting medical treatment from psychiatrists. And then she got dumped into Hell.

I guess I really needed to dump that experience out. It's just a little picture of what goes on in every ER psych ward in every major city in the the nation. Never consign someone to that hell.

More about the Hell I dwell in:

There's a bunch of bullshit with my school, embezzlement, fascist cuts to humanities and capitalist cuts to everyone else.

Treating the students who are literally the daughters and sons of modern day slaves. Literally born to generations of migrant workers that the local self made millionaires exploit from their ginourmous extravagant beyond all reason manor homes to rival Hollywood elite. And these children are only good enough for higher paid slavery and job training rather than an education that might free at least their mind if not their body from bondage in nursing. These magnificent children. They played every game they could to get here. They cheated. They studied. They jumped through all the stupid hoops. They deserve so much better. And White Evangelical Christian Capitalists are doing it to them on purpose. Even as they screw me and all their remaining academic slaves.

I abide in Hell. I move in Hell. I eat Hell. I drink Hell. I pay Hell rent. Hell is baked into everything in White Christo-fascist Capitalist Hell. The Hell we usually call America or the good old USA.

But I more specifically abide in Fresno. This is a special Hell for me. Living amongst such intense oppression. But it's all outside me. I am in Hell. But hell is not in me. I move through hell and and try to stop hell from moving through me.

I can never silly stop the flow of hell through me in Christo-fascist White Capitalism.

White Capitalism is a special kind of capitalism based on colonialism. All sorts of societies have greedy hoarders of wealth. All sorts of societies get wealth by oppressing slaves and poor/ vulnerable persons and peoples. But colonialism has that demonic edge to it.

Anyway even with quite a lot of freedom to do my job however the fuck I like as long as not too many kids fail out, I can't do a whole lot to stop the hell flowing through me from my administrative duties and the structure of things. I can only try to benefit them on the little places where I can really do some good like telling them how to navigate Whiteness, academia, and the professional world. Preaching the good news about the evils of Capitalism and the joys of being good and generous people.

But I can't really protect them from admin. (Or economics or family situations) The admin I should be able to thwart more. But I dare not. For the same reason I dared not stand up for that woman whose dog was dying. I wasn't willing to accept the consequences when the brutal powers that be turn their power against me in particular. Because you better be willing to pay the price for love. And I have people to care for who need me. I can't afford that price right now.

But even though I dwell in hell, hell is my foe. Hell is the demonic forces at work in this good world. It is the powers that be that oppress and rape and rob and kill our good world. Although I dwell in Hell I will not allow Hell to dwell in me. Nor will I aid Hell any more than I have to in order to hold onto my little slice of impoverished heaven at home from falling apart. But even as I have to put in my time and work for Hell at work, at service, at church, at court, in The ER psych ward, at Thanksgiving, in the shopping line, at the check out. You can fight hell a little bit. You can take a little bit back from hell even as you hurt hell. Use what little power you have to really help people even if they're assholes. You don't know what day they're having. Fuck the otherers. We are humanity. We are part of Civilization. And civilization considers the neighbor and the whole along with themselves, resolving to at least do no harm and hopefully benefit as much as possible. That's civilization.

Anyway, we dwell in Hell, but like Jesus on the road to the cross, we do what good we can along the way to make a better world. Hopefully the whole world, but this one person's world is also important and deserves consideration. We learn satyagraha from Jesus and other holy ones who show us images of God's heart.

We are Hell's nightmares. We are sleeper agents for the Kingdom of God. We're sleepers in the resistance. We are everywhere. We know what the things of God are. We ate the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. We know what is good. Anywhere you are, compare things to good and figure out how to make the world a little better for the person next to you in line, the cashier, the clerk, the homeless woman, the kid And everywhere we are we can frustrate the Enemy. Whomever that enemy might be whether a person like a cop or manager, a group like a church or committee, demonic forces, or the Powers of The World. We are the Ghosts of Tom Joad.

You use your position to frustrate the Enemy, whomever they are, whenever you get the chance. Walking down the street. Maybe a cop in an arcade a la Terminator 2 kid saving humanity by instinctively lying to a cop and then helping the victim escape, even trying to distract the cop long enough for his compatriot to escape death. Maybe it's covering for another employee when the manager wants you to rat on them. Maybe it's sharing your pay rates with the other employees. Maybe it's fucking with their ad revenues. Maybe it's shoplifing from big box stores. Maybe it is a general strike.

Use your position to help each other live a little better here in Hell. Tell them the shrimp is old. Tell them to use this or that form. Tell them where the better deal is. Show kindness to those who are vulnerable. Live out love to those harassed, oppressed, impoverished, and helpless against the Powers of The World. Try to build little bits of the Kingdom of Heaven here in Hell.

Hopefully we can together make the whole world a better place. But even the smallest kindness makes that one person's world a better place. And you have no idea how your kindnesses, small or large, may make their world better. And you have no idea how that kindness may be passed on.

[awonderlandsystem]

Eva's Thoughts

To say this has been difficult would be an understatement. A new place, a lack of familiarity, or grounding items. I feel quite lost most days.

Ikelos and I over-apologize for everything and walk on eggshells still. Zoe keeps trying to get our mother's attention but there's a level of awkwardness as her personality is quite different.

We often hear things such as- "I don't think you ever really grew up." "You can be so childish sometimes." "Do you know how to behave like an adult?" And the such. Sometimes it does bother her. The rest of us don't quite know how to respond to it.

I'm quite the opposite and strive quite hard to be seen as an independent and responsible adult. Which is rather hard when Zoe is going through stores riding on shopping buggies as if they're toys.

Thankfully we've all been united on finding a sense of stability for the children. While Zoe and Ikelos don't enjoy being the strict parental figure, they've come to understand the necessity in breaking many of these poor habits the children have developed.

Eventually, I will get Zoe to remember fruits and vegetables at lunch instead of cupcakes and honey buns.

Although no matter how hard we push it seems he's still waiting, ready to kick us down. I hate that I allow him this power over me. I sat arguing with him today, losing my temper rapidly when my sister Brittany had to put a stop to it for the sake of my sanity.

I was so rattled by his words that I threw myself into chores and childcare. Help still can't seem to be found as we've now had two therapists cancel appointments with us without explanation.

I want to scream. I truly do. Scream and cry at the sky until something changes because it truly feels like these mountains we move will not stop reforming to block us. One step forward and two back, the saying that comes to mind. It calls into question if we'll ever truly find a sense of security and comfort.

I'm not throwing in the towel but damnit I've considered it. Then I think of every time I have given up and how little that has done for me. It feels like dredging through high water and losing myself to the waves only to return a moment later to struggle for air.

Will it ever get easier? He seems intent on making this as difficult as possible. He's trying to convince the children I should be in jail. He's trying to buy their love as he has hundreds of dollars and we have nothing.

Yes, I quite want to scream. When I was a child and stuck in the middle of the conflicts between my parents, I would run to the forest. I would run until my legs refused to carry me anymore and then I would simply scream until I was sobbing.

I was a silly girl who believed in magic and gods. I would beg for the help of the Greek Gods, beg them to whisk me away, to change my fate. I would curse at them, blaming them for my woes and accusing them of letting the world down.

These days I don't believe in much. Ikelos believes in reincarnation. Zoe believes in Neverland and the idea of living forever. My dear sister still believes in Heaven and Hell. Amaranth believes in the power of the universe, the Mother Earth, and the Norse mythology. I don't quite know what to put my faith in.

I'm trying quite hard to put all of that belief into us. I need a win. Not a simple pat on the back over an application being finished, or paperwork being faxed.

I need a big win, something that will make me feel like I will have control over this life. Not a negative bank account with hopes that there will be a deposit into in a week. Not his threats and constant intimidation. Not crammed into a small room with three children with a broken fucking bunk bed that I'm unsure how to fix.

I need to feel good about something. I truly do.

[thoughtsofamanicwoman]

Welcome to my Blog

-----------------------

I wanted to start by saying I have never truly stuck through with something in my life. I'm easily bored. It's a nightmare being like this, usually just as soon as I get used to a hobby, I'm on to the next thing. I really hope I stick with this, and possibly gain somewhat of a following.

I need a way to express myself, and writing has always interested me. Forgive me, ahead of time for poor grammar and awful spelling. Unfortunately I did not pay attention in school whatsoever, so I probably have the IQ of a ant.

Let me introduce myself- My name is Hannah. I am 23 years old and I am a mother to 4 beautiful children. Yes, you read that right I said 4 children. But in this economy??! Haha, look- things happen okay. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Who knows where I would be if it wasn't for my babies. I'm currently unemployed, my significant other and I decided it would be better that way. Plus, who can afford the childcare?? Being a stay at home parent is a true blessing, don't get me wrong. Although, I do suffer from severe clinical depression and loneliness. As do many - and there are those who have it way worse then I do. Sadly enough, my mind wants me to believe the best option is to *self delete* sigh.

My worse enemy is myself. I am not afraid to admit my flaws-and ooooof. I have tons. Not to be too self deprecating; but I am definitely not a saint. I've dabbled in alot of things; drugs, meaningless sex, partying- you name it. Alot of people ask me "Hannah, why are you like this?" Truth is, I just want to feel something. Most of the time I feel like a empty shell. Like a robot just moving through the motions. Dangerous or promiscuous activities give me a boost of adrenaline. For that moment I feel alive. It's short lived though, and I'm soon back to being numb.

Now you are probably like "woah, didn't she just say she was a mom?" Yes, yes I did. I'm home 99.9% of the time. When I do get time away from them, I admit that I tend to get a little too wild. I know, I know. Shame. Me, a women of 23 years old going out and about? How dare she! She must be a slave to her children at all times. I think most people forget that even though someone has kids, we still have feelings. After all we are human. My kids are everything to me, I have given them my life since I was 17. So, when the opportunity presents itself, I do enjoy my 0.01% of what I call "adult time"

As I mentioned in a previous paragraph; I have a tendency to get bored easily with hobbies. I recognize that switching between so many things is sort of unhealthy. Definitely can agree it is a nuisance, but my my my. I have learned a lot. Well, a lot of useless information hahaha. There is one thing I always come back to, nevermind. Make that two things. Reading tarot, and writing. For as long as I can remember I have done both. Way back, in elementary school I used to sneak divination books from the library. When it comes to tarot, I guess I could say it is a passion. Is that even possible?

Writing, writing is my love. I always said that I would write a book of sorts, and from that I would become famous. Now the onlook is different, but I still continue to write small stories. Maybe one day, I will write a book . So I can at least say I kept a promise to the child I once was. Who knows? I may use this blog as grounds for a book. My life can be eventful-not always in a positive manner-but eventful nevertheless.

We all have our trauma, our backstory. I've had my fair share-and then some- of messed up things happening. More so when I was a young child, I plan on getting more detailed about that much later in my posts. As for now, just know things were not easy for me growing up. Not easy at all.

So, I think I covered the basics of my introduction. It's scattered around a bit but it's there. As time goes on I plan on getting more detailed about things, with specific stories and what not. Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and was able to make sense of the scattered tid bits of information. Please feel free to follow me, and together we can go through this journey of me-discovering myself along with developing my writing skills.